This week I had to remind an overbearing family member that I have my boundaries and no, I can’t be at her beck and call. Even as I said it though, I felt that pang of guilt inside although I knew it was the right thing to do. As a recovering people pleaser, saying no is still a personal challenge for me at times and yet, it also feels amazingly good and almost fun. I can see how saying no can be addictive to the point of flipping over too far and becoming too rigid. Yet again, everything in life is a balance. So, how can we check in on that balance and get better at saying no?
We want to be loved
Fundamentally, we struggle to say no to others because we worry they’re going to take it personally or that we’ll be drawn into a conflict. After all, one of our core human needs is to have a sense of belonging such that we’re not ostracised from the group, whatever group that is for us at the moment in time.
By belonging and therefore connecting and supporting each other, we’ve all contributed to a key factor for our evolutionary success. We can’t do this life alone but we still need to be careful who we choose to be around. We can’t please everyone and that’s the first thing to come to terms with.
Respect yourself
If you’re constantly looking for external validation from those around you then you’re making yourself miserable whether you realise it yet or not. On the other hand, if you accept yourself for who you are and value yourself for what you offer the world then you have both self-respect and self-esteem. There’s a subtle difference between the two but they both come from within. They’re not about what people think of you and how they judge you. The more you live your life based on your internal world though and the easier it will be to get better at saying no.
Sadly, many of us are wounded children recovering from various taumas, no matter how big or small, and we never learnt to live by our values or to make decisions according to our moral compass. Generally, we would look to others for validation. This then makes it hard to get to know yourself and your boundaries and when you need to say no to others to respect yourself.
Get better at saying no
My greatest when saying no to someone is that I’m going to hurt them. Of course, that’s a risk but let’s remember that we all have to take responsibility for our own emotions. If someone takes something you said personally then that’s their issue and not yours. Clearly, I’m assuming that you’ve communicated your ‘no’ in a calm and non-aggressive way that doesn’t blame anyone. If in doubt, check out the non-verbal communication framework.
1- Practice
I know we all wish we had a magic wand to make everything perfect. Then again, what would we do after that? Our minds are geared to look for distraction so if we had nothing to work on then we truly would lose ourselves in escapism. So, practice saying no everyday.
Start with the small things such as saying no to your news app and turning off the notifications. It really can be as small as that. You might want to start by making of list of things. What about everyone who expects instant replies to their chat messages? It’s a complete violation of your personal time. Of course, you might have to tell you friends you’re making some changes and that you’ll now reply within 1 to 2 days, for example.
2- Be assertive
This comes back to self-respect and self-esteem. If you understand your values and needs, it’s much easier to be assertive about what you want and don’t want. Sometimes, it’s useful to stat with a quiz to get a sense of your natural style. From there, you can wok out a plan to become more assertive although it all starts with self-esteem. If you don’t believe in yourself then how can you expect to be assertive? My favourite is still the self-esteem journal along with some boundary setting work.
3- Offer alternatives
A handy approach to soften your ‘no’ is to provide other solutions. Perhaps it’s about asking for different timings or suggesting another colleague can help out instead? Also, don’t forget that lovely phrase “let me think about and I’ll get back to you”. Stalling a brilliant technique to give yourself time to check in with what you want. If your emotions are going wild then you probably want to say no. Now you have time to plan how you’re going to saying no.
What’s Next For You to Get Better at Saying No?
The paradox of life is that we are all individuals whilst all experiencing common humanity. We basically all have the same desires and challenges but each of us must work out our own individual approaches and styles. So, do a bit of trial and error and see what works for you in various situations. Perhaps practice at home and with friends before moving onto work colleagues? Ultimately, you want to feel safe when you first start practicing saying no. Like with everything, practice makes perfect.
Finally, as someone so much wise than me once said, if you haven’t heard it already: “the difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything”, Warren Buffett.
