Do you ever feel that everything is going wrong and that you can’t rely on anyone, not even your friends and family? Perhaps it’s as if people just simply constantly let you down? Sometimes though, we have to stop and think about what we’re doing and what we can change in ourselves to break those patterns. You can then develop healthier relationships with people who don’t let you down.
The Victim Loop
Have you noticed those people who always seem to have some drama going on? I myself spent decades stuck in the victim loop because I’d learnt as a child that they only way to get attention and some form of affection was by getting others to feel sorry for me. It’s so easy to assume that we do everything for others and expect them to go above and beyond for us too. Don’t forget though that everyone is trying to manage their own worries and issues and they can only do for you what they can. The trick is to accept people for who they are rather than who we want them to be and to look for the positives they offer. You’ll then find yourself gradually shedding that victim mentality.
Codependence
If you’re like me, you might have learnt to live through other people’s emotions when you were a child. As codependents, we often set high expectations on other people and it’s almost as if we believe they should be able to read our minds and know exactly what we need. Clearly, it doesn’t work that way but it can lead to feeling that people let you down. Then again, perhaps your expectations are too high for other people? Do you expect them to drop everything for you or do you allow them to have their lives and limitations too?
If you feel codependence is something you need to explore then I highly recommend coda. For me, I also did a lot of work on building my self-esteem and rebalancing my life to make sure I was doing things that matched my values and what I believed to be worthy. Check out this questionnaire if you want a starting point for where your self-esteem currently is.
How to Help yourself When you Feel Let down
1- Practice Mindful Acceptance
This practice is about letting go of judgement and allowing situations to be such that they are neither good nor bad. Obviously this can take a bit of patience and time. Then again, our minds are so good on focusing on the negatives in life and quickly jump to extremes conclusions. It’s never actually the end of the world though is it?
Every situation has some good in it or something to learn from it. Be curious and try to find that glimmer of light around you. Of course negative feelings can also be a warning to walk about from certain people and situations that annoy us. Either way, let your feelings and emotions be, listen to them and don’t fight them. Focus on your breathing and let your senses guide you back to the present.
2- What’s the Bigger Picture when others Let you Down?
Our minds love stories and going over them again and again. They only become important because we’ve created a story though. Sometimes we can let the stories go more easily by finding more positive alternatives or simply stepping back. Imagine yourself looking back on this moment in 10 years for example. Yes, you might still remember some hurt but you’ll most likely have moved on. Ask yourself how you move on? Perhaps you reach out to new people or find alternative ways to look after yourself? Reframing is a very powerful tool in general and often helps you find new approaches.
3- Be Grateful and be a Survivor
Who do you admire in life? Do you want to look up to those people who complain or all the time? Wouldn’t you rather be a fighter and a survivor? Visualise yourself that way and then no one can let you down because you accept life as it is. What do you do differently as this survivor? What does life look like? And what can you be grateful for? We all have a choice about how we react to people and situations. Ask yourself deep down which you would rather be and then do the work. Unfortunately it doesn’t come with the click of the fingers but even the first small baby steps feel good and that it’s the right thing to do. Just remember to be kind to yourself.
And if you don’t know where to start, simply thank yourself everyday for having a go at being a survivor. At the end of the day, the world just turns without judgement for you or anyone else. But, as a survivor, you can be a positive part of that never-ending cycle of life.
