As I squirmed on the sofa in agony last weekend from a jungle centipede sting, my mind was going in and out of the waves of pain. It was like a billion needles in my foot and yet worse. My mind wanted to let go and go crazy. And yet, my logical voice was telling me to ‘just roll with it’: comparing leads to suffering so just ignore the rest of your body.

Of course the painkillers helped but nothing can stop that pain and I’ve since read it’s worse than a scorpion or snake bite. The worst part though was the awareness of the rest of my body without pain. It was almost as if comparing was leading to more suffering. I later realised that the pain reminded me of dengue but somehow my mind wasn’t so shocked by it when I had dengue fever. I truly think it’s because this time, it was so localised whereas with dengue, the whole body feels the pain but you’ve lost your point of reference, you’ve lost something to compare to. So why comparing leads to suffering? 

Why Comparing Leads to Suffering

One of the 5 hindrances of Buddhist tradition is ‘wanting’ or ‘desire’ and comparing is a classic cause of wanting. That person has more money, a better body, a faster car, is more intelligent … Frustratingly, our brains are hard-wired to compare. I guess you can see how it might be useful, especially when we were cave men. Ok so that guy can throw a spear more accurately but I can track better so let’s split our approach and work together. However, today, it can lead to a lot of negative feelings and even depression – I’ll never be that good, I’ll never be able to live like that. And guess what, yep, social media has made it a whole lot worse. 

We Forget Others’ Pain

And yet, when we compare ourselves to others, we often assume that they have it all sorted. They have that perfect life we all dream of. But no one sees what’s going on behind closed doors. Perhaps they have the perfect life from an external point of view but are they really following their true path? What childhood traumas or anxieties do they live with?

I remember once telling a more junior member of the team in our office kitchen that of course I get nervous before certain talks or workshops. She looked at me with such surprise and with something else I can’t quite name. It was almost a moment of realisation, a ‘thank god she’s human’ split second thought followed by a wave of empathy. I’ll never forget that moment as it was a beautiful human connection. However, it reminded me how much we never assume others are suffering. We usually assume we are the only ones with problems or pain. If we could just remember that others are in pain and fear then perhaps we can be kinder to each other and perhaps we’ll understand each other better. 

Social Comparison Affects Our State of Mind

Social Comparison Theory tells us that we compare ourselves to both those worse and better off than us. Clearly this will influence how we judge ourselves as well as others. It can have a huge impact on your self-worth and for many, it can be almost subconscious as we passively flick through facebook. It can affect our motivations to keep working on something or even create feelings of helplessness as those we compare to are so far away from our current state of being, in our minds anyway. Remember that they are also working hard at making themselves look perfect. And I do like the reminder of the Stoic philosophers who believed in egalitarianism as a virtue and that it was a waste of time to play this social comparison game

How Can We Decrease the Comparing?

Obviously that’s easier said than done. And yet, all of us would would be happier focusing on our internal validation rather than comparing to others. So how do we do this? 

1-  Compare to yourself 

This might sound odd but try it. Think about something positive in your life and compare to you maybe ten years ago. What’s changed? What have you learnt? We often forget that we have progressed and improved in many ways. It can be small steps as sometimes these are the hardest ones. 

2- Gratitude Exercise 

I know I mention this one regularly but it’s still my favourite and it’s so simple. Counting 10 things on your fingers that you’re grateful for everyday is still so powerful. Our brains are designed to focus on the negative in order to protect us but let’s force it to remember the positives.

3- Compassion to ourselves and others 

Whenever you have the thought about someone’s perfect life, try to remember that they are human too and we all have the human suffering as a shared condition. Perhaps they had a traumatic childhood, perhaps they’re stuck in a job they never chose … etc. 

4- Reframe to create a motivation 

There is a healthy side to comparing as it can also help us understand our goals. Perhaps we are in a job we hate and we envy someone else’s. So how do we get there? How do we get that same career? You can then develop an action plan with reasonable timings around it. That’s motivating in itself and you’ve learnt something in the process. It’s scary but totally worth it. 

5- Get to know that person 

I know that’s not always possible but we are often envious of those we don’t know. The more we get to know someone then the more they become ‘human’. You also create a connection and a friendship that’s based on 2-way support. Suddenly you might even find yourself helping that person for something. That’s when you suddenly appreciate that we all have something to offer and all our inputs are important and worthy.