About 4 years ago, due to some change of plans, I found myself alone at home during Christmas. I think it says a lot about my state of mind that I found this very hard and stressful. The Christmas stress that I built up in my mind was very much linked to a deep loneliness. Luckily I had the 2 dogs with me but I basically got very drunk on champagne on my own. Needless to say, that didn’t improve my loneliness or state of mind. 

This year, I had a lovely Christmas eve with friends which touched me more than I ever thought possible. However, I was alone again on Christmas Day and Boxing Day but for the first time in my life, I enjoyed it. So what changed? Why this huge ball of Christmas stress in my chest a few years ago versus today, even though I’m not speaking to my father, when I feel content? 

Imperfect Families leads to Christmas Stress 

Admittedly, I haven’t been to my family’s home for Christmas for about 9 or 10 years and so I dread Christmas every year. Everyone updates you on how they’re going home, they’re going to have a huge family meal and it’s all going to be so wonderful. It’s true for some but for many, this is so far from reality.

We all have triggers that our families delight in setting off as, after all, they created these triggers. I used to hate how our Christmas meal revolved around some argument. I don’t even remember what the arguments were about but nothing was ever right. Someone, aka me, was drinking too much or one of us was’t dressed properly, not doing well enough at work or something else … 

I was very lucky to experience those happy family christmases thanks to my, now ex, family in law. Of course they weren’t perfect but you could feel that everyone was loved and respected. Conversations during Christmas lunch were lively and interesting and about normal worldly topics amongst adults with no judgement. A far cry from the judging and blaming my sister and I would endure during our Christmases. 

Letting go of my victimhood 

After those experiences and after giving my family a few more chances after my divorce, I realised that they would never change and Christmas stress was a constant. It was safer for me to stay away and find my own family. At some point if others do not or cannot respect your boundaries and your choices in life as an adult then it can sometimes be safer to keep them at arm’s length.

However, every year, that made me very sad even though I had amazing friends to spend Christmas with. Looking back, I wasn’t as resilient as I’d thought. I had created a victim loop around having a dysfunctional family. I had to relive that pain of Christmas stress every year until now. Thanks to an incredible coach, I recently got out of my victim loop and with my meditation, I am learning to let go both of my victimhood and pain. My coach helped me see that I had chosen victimhood as an identity. How tedious for everyone around me. 

We Find our ‘Families’ 

I only have the power to work on myself and accept my family for who they are. I cannot change them and I have to let go of that dream that they will change. And so now I cherish my friends and my time alone as it allows me to realise how lucky I really am. Christmas stress doesn’t have to overwhelm me anymore. I can now reach out to friends and surround myself with love and support. And I smile to myself as I get ready to meet other close friends tomorrow on another nearby island 🙂

I nearly cried when a very recent friend gave me some wonderful gifts at Christmas, far more than I did for her. I realised that she truly did that with generosity and kindness and no expectation. It finally hit me that Christmas in my family was built up around expectations and judgement. It was about who amongst my cousins got the best gift. As the ‘children’ we are not supposed to give gifts to the parents as that’s not our job, so we were told. And yet one of the fundamental teachings of Christmas is just as much about giving as it is about receiving. 

Generosity 

Generosity is one of the key foundations of mindfulness and an important part of all religions, not just Buddhism. Today’s positive psychology researchers also tell us that altruism and generosity are key to creating a happy mind.

But at home, I learnt to fear that. I learnt that everyone around us is here to use and abuse us. Always this fear. Fear that we won’t have enough and that people will betray us. And yet, does it really happen that often? I should be learning good judgement and not fear. And if we give more than we receive, we have become kinder and more compassionate. We essentially think about someone else and let go of our ego a little bit. We still win, so to speak.

How can we ease our Christmas Stress?

Of course I can’t underestimate the struggles that some people face and professional help can sometimes be key. I know has worked for me in the past. But if you feel ready to have a go on your own for now, then here are some of the things that work for me. Also, here’s another great article if you wish.

1- Gratitude Exercise

I often mention it but it is so simple and such a great reminder that we can all find something to be grateful for, even if it is just a sunny day or a piece of music. List on each of your fingers something to be grateful for… starting with one hand can make it easier 😉 

2- Reach out to Friends

I used to be scared of getting in the way or imposing. Time and time again, I’m surprised by how untrue that is. I remember a few wonderful Christmas’s with friends and their families. Also, friends are usually happy to have someone else join as it can ease their stress as families are less likely to go all out into an argument if they have a guest  

3- Money Stress

I know this sounds annoyingly simple but it really is the thought that counts and not the amount spent. Making something can be a novel way to create gift. And creativity is good for the soul. It’s another important aspect of positive psychology. Research is now showing that creativity helps harness otherwise negative energy and it also allows for flow. I thought this was a cute list but of course there are many more out there.

4- Identify your Triggers

What sets your blood going? what causes you to react? writing these experiences down and trying to understand why you have them will help understand how to manage them. It’s sometimes helpful to remember that what others say to you is often more a reflection about them than on you. Of course, in the immediate, you can also either politely and calmly step away and wait for the other person to calm down. Breathing exercises also help. And of course meditation and mindfulness.

5- Connectivity

Meditation or informal mindfulness with a walk… sometimes nature has the power to make us feel connected. We are after all made up of the same atoms and electrons and our energies overlap and influence each other. There’s a little piece of light in all of us and everything living and breathing is made up of the same stuff.

Imagine yourself as that piece of stuff, that energy floating in space outside your body, which is only a vessel, and feel yourself becoming part of everything. It’s about connecting to something higher than ourselves, something magical that can’t quite be explained. Something that is us and connects all of us. We focus too much on the separateness of our bodies but if we think of ourselves as this little piece of energy, then we are all connected. We are one. We are never alone.