“Human beings are creations more profound than human beings can fathom.” What a wonderful phrase, taken from Niall Williams’s book : This is Happiness. That phrase actually came at the perfect time whilst guiding some people through some relationship communication issues. We really do know how to cause our own suffering and yet, the paradox is that we often have no idea how we do it. Are you one of those people? You’re not really sure how relationships bring out the worst in you but something doesn’t feel right?
Relationships and mind-reading
Have you noticed whether you get triggered more by people close to you or by strangers? This will tell you a lot about how you relate to others. Sometimes we expect those close to us to meet our every need even before we’re aware of it. Then again, at other times we simply want to change those close to us to match our perfect idea of who they should be. If this is you then the first step is to work on acceptance of others and that the only thing you can actually change is yourself.
Acceptance
Logically we all know that the only person we can change is ourselves but deep down, many of us still hold onto the belief that we can change others. It isn’t easy to learn that the world is imperfect and that we can’t save everyone even if we feel we know the answer for how to make them happy. A good way to work through this though is to list their positives.
The chances are that if you’re getting frustrated in your relationship then you’re focusing on the negatives. So, you end up in a vicious circle where the relationship brings out the worst in you. Instead, challenge yourself to find the positives.
Attachment Style
Perhaps you’re someone who wants everyone and everything, including yourself, to be perfect? Then again, many of us learnt unhealthy attachment when we were growing up which then made us insecure adults who are overly needy in relationships. It isn’t easy recovering from insecure or avoidant attachment styles but it starts with understanding your needs and developing your self-esteem such that you’re no longer afraid to set your boundaries.
Admittedly, it took me years to understand boundaries and what they even meant. Even today, I still have to check back on myself that I haven’t gone too far the other way and set boundaries that are too rigid and push everyone away. As always, understanding yourself to improve your relationships is an ongoing journey that never ends but if you don’t start, you starve yourself of the wonders of human interactions. We need each other for so many different reasons and luckily, there is something you can do to get away from relationships that bring out the worst in you and instead, find those that bring out the best.
Stop Relationships that Bring Out the Worst in You
Naturally, we can’t click with everyone and some people have such a perfect mask of charm that you don’t see the real person at first. If they then show their true colours of narcissism, manipulation or jealousy then you should probably rethink the relationship. Things aren’t always so clear cut though. So, how can you get the best out of your relationships?
1- Hold onto self-esteem
Someone who values themselves is always more attractive than a broken soul who’s so insecure it almost hursts watching them crumble when they speak. Sadly, many of my family members are like that, for good reason unfortunately, but it still breaks my heart.
The question is do you love yourself? Are you happy that you’re good enough for this life? Or, on the contrary, do you wait for others to validate your thoughts, actions and feelings? Are you more at ease when others around you confirm you as a person or can you do that on your own?
Depending on how you answered those questions, you might want to try the self-esteem journal for a few weeks. Self-reflection is one of the most powerful tools we have to get to know ourselves. Most importantly, it also makes us feel better.
2- Mind-reading expectations?
We all do expect mind-reading at some point. When was the last time you got frustrated because someone didn’t meet your expectations? It all comes down to communication.
At the end of the day, we’re all different which is what makes relationships of any kind both extraordinary and tough at the same time. Whenever our views of the world or values and priorities clash, we open ourselves up to disappointment and argument. So, a little bit of acceptance with a lot of communication is the way forwards. Of course, that’s easier said than done but, if in doubt, I always like to go back to the non-violent communication framework.
3- Is it you?
That terrifying question. Yes, we all have to ask ourselves at some point whether it’s us and we’re the toxic ones. As someone who’s a recovering codependent and perfectionist, I constantly check in with myself and others as to how I’m doing. Have the old habits come back or am I still moving forwards? If you’re curious about yourself, check out this quiz to get you started.
What’s Next for your Relationships?
If you’re worried that some relationships bring out the worst in you then take time out to self-reflect. Check in on your boundaries and work on your self-esteem. From there, you’ll know instinctively which relationships are bad for you and how to step away. Yes, the work can be challenging but it’s worth it as you find better ways to interact with others such that you can find contentment in life. Giving up can’t be an option especially when things can and do get easier. Work with someone to support you and get your friends on side. It doesn’t have to be a lonely journey. You’ll then be amazed at what’s possible and how far you can go. If I can do it, so can you.
