Do you have good techniques to let others know your limitations and needs? Or are you like many of us and overly keen to please others so sacrificing your needs and becoming swamped? Creating boundaries is actually hard for all of us because it means first facing our inner pain. Regardless, setting healthy boundaries is possible in baby steps without getting overwhelmed.

What are Personal Boundaries?

As this simple worksheet describes, there is a range of boundaries including material, physical and emotional, amongst others. Do you remember the last time someone stood too close to you in a queue? What did you do? Did you step back or did you suffer in silence?

Sometimes it seems easier to say no to a physical violation. What about saying no to extra work or letting someone constantly berate you, judge and tell you how to live your life? I often see those violations within families and couples. Somewhere deep down we attack those we love more than strangers because our guard is down. So, all the neuroses, pain and fears come to the surface and are often seen in violating others’ boundaries.

Most people start this journey not knowing what their boundaries are and it can seem confusing. The best way to start getting a sense of them is to notice when you feel frustrated at someone’s actions. For example, did someone dismiss your opinion or borrow something without asking? Perhaps someone is asking for too much of your time? If so, you’ll recognise that sense of dread and anger building up when these cases take place.

Mind-Body Connection

You can easily search for advice on creating boundaries although most of it revolves around the ‘mind over matter’ approach. There’s nothing wrong with that but forcing yourself to do something can be a little draining, to say the least. Of course, it sounds obvious to just say “that’s not acceptable” but it takes deep inner work to learn how to stand up for ourselves when we’ve never done it before.

So, rather than banging your head against a brick wall and then berating yourself when someone violates another boundary, how about using your body? To even get started, you need to sense your emotions in your body to know what you want and need. Many people float through life almost as if they’re a floating head, disconnected from their bodies. And yet, so much information comes from the body. For example, did you know that your gut and your brain are in constant communication?

What does this all mean for setting healthy boundaries? Essentially, it means connecting with your body to get to know yourself. The body holds your emotions that are powerful messengers telling something is off. Learning to be assertive in creating boundaries also means grounding yourself in the present without being led astray into the future or the past by your mind. That only leads to mindless chatter and endless suffering.

Of course, this might sound very close to mindfulness, which it is. Although, there’s also bioenergetic psychotherapy to support you. This approach leverages mindfulness along with talk therapy and a deep understanding of human fears and motivations. It comes with a certain amount of creativity to adapt to each person’s particular circumstances.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

It isn’t easy creating boundaries but it’s still perfectly do-able. As mentioned, first listen to your emotions to get a sense of what’s important to you. Then, test out some of these techniques:

• Practice saying no – this is a useful first step but you should go slowly and practice with people you trust. It’s much easier starting with family and friends who will love you no matter what. Although, get them involved and let them know that you’re working on this. They’ll then support you through the transition.
• Mindful connection to your gut (and discomfort) – mindfulness is more than just being present. It’s an ethical approach to life where you accept both yourself and others as human beings with weaknesses and needs. This also helps you with your initial discomfort at setting healthy boundaries. Essentially, sitting with your sensations and emotions is more effective at letting them move on as opposed to suppressing or pushing them away as this only makes them stronger. 
• Use I statements – creating boundaries can feel aggressive at first especially if you’ve never done this before. So, practice using I phrases where you state what you’re feeling when someone does x, y or z. It’s perfectly ok to explain your discomfort and ask them to change their approach with you.

Helping Yourself for Setting Healthy Boundaries

The journey of creating boundaries might be longer for some but you’ll feel more content if you take on the challenge. You’ll also learn about who you are and you might even surprise yourself at what you discover. My greatest surprise, for example, was how much I started loving setting boundaries… almost too much. I then had to readjust but that was the fun part. Either way, working on boundaries will give you so much for your efforts.