Many of us come from broken childhoods and families and struggle with setting personal boundaries but, with or without mindfulness, they are key to harmonious living. If, like me, you struggle with a narcissistic parent and another co-dependent one, or a mix of such types, then you never learnt about your own feelings and needs. I am a classic people-pleaser. No one knew or understood personal boundaries, let alone mindfulness. I desperately did everything I could as a child to get my parents approval, without luck. Whilst I’m still learning to understand what this all means as an adult, as mentioned in an earlier blog, I urgently need to work on understanding my personal boundaries. 

Concept of Personal Space

As a child, we had no concept of personal space at home and our bedroom doors were never allowed to be closed, except at night. At night, it felt as if I was being closed in. I soon learnt to stop writing diaries as my mother always found them and read them. Even today, she opens my mail. I have finally accepted to let go of the fantasy that she will ever change. My mail is now redirected to a friend’s house. 

The Start …

Today I have set up some very strong walls around myself from instinct. It felt safer to do that than to work out my boundaries. I didn’t even know where to start. Mindfulness has taught me though that to lead a fulfilled life, I need to connect with others and to trust people. Having grown up with lies, manipulation, and lack of trust, it is tough and something I’m still struggling with. I need to be open. Openness and communication are particularly important in romantic relationships and yet, that’s where it’s the hardest. I had no role role model relationship growing up and I’m sure many can relate. And so, I can only be open if I feel safe but it’s a vicious circle … but here goes, my boundary-setting journey begins. 

Overall, I feel relatively comfortable with my physical and spiritual boundaries in the sense that I respect and value both mine and others personal space and belief systems. The emotional and mental boundaries are tougher for me. Admittedly, I’m just touching the surface on this one and will continue to explore it but here are some starting thoughts:

1- Self-Awareness

Mindfulness teaches us to be present. I’ve learnt to note the times when I want to lash out or breakdown. You know that weird feeling in your stomach or on your shoulders that’s something wrong. These are important clues that something is bothering you. One of your needs is not being met. I’m still learning mine but as examples, I value personal space, being included respectfully, being free to control my time and energy. 

The flip side to look out for is could these needs also become obstacles. I’d taken the need for personal space so far that I let no one get close to me. I was closed in my ice tower but it took self-awareness to make me see that. 

2- Assertiveness for saying No

If someone steps over your boundary, you often feel trapped or afraid and generally overwhelmed. These are the times when I would lash out and turn into a child again. Mindfulness and meditation teaches us to view those emotions before they become a reaction. We get a ‘pause’ before we act and we are more in control. We can then calmly state our viewpoint and either that we have other priorities or that those timings or approach won’t work for us. However, all real adult conversations should include a middle point.

3- Communicate with mindful listening

I was recently recommended a great book with some simple strategies for sharing what is important to us: Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

4- Still unsure where to start … 

I found this workbook very useful.