Can mindfulness support recovery from narcissistic families? It was a bit of a shock when the realisation set in that I come from a narcissistic family where the rules revolved around my father and his career. I now wonder how I can use mindfulness for recovering from a narcissistic family. It was very revealing for me to read the traits of narcissism and finally understand that everything we did was to support his career and image. Of course I appreciate that my parents were doing what they could in tough financial times but the impact and effect on their children still remains. 

This will be a tough journey for me, that started through coaching and that I’ll continue to explore through these posts. The great positive though is to take the lesson about myself and life and to do the work. I now choose to accept the responsibility to change and grow and not identify with the issues, all of which can be resolved. 

Here are some of my first key thoughts for how mindfulness is helping me, in terms of recovery from narcissistic families:

1- Being mindful of my own self-absorption. 

Recently my boyfriend had to deal with me trying to break up with him because suddenly things my feelings were too strong and yet were not all about me. I panicked and it suddenly felt easier to just let him go and to return to leaning on my self-made wall. 

2- Self-validation through mindfulness

Mindfulness has helped me be honest with myself about my skills and weaknesses. A key effect of narcissistic parents is that their children learn to hide and ignore their feelings and constantly look for their parents’ validation. This need for external validation leads to low self-esteem in adult life. I am in fact the perfect people pleaser! 

The heart practices of mindfulness such as self-compassion and loving-kindness are all important work in practicing self-love and learning to accept yourself for who you are. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy and I still get a flood of emotions that I’m still not sure how to deal with as I do these practices. It is normal to have these emotions and it’s good to finally be feeling them, even though it is painful and overwhelming. However, listing some positive achievements at the end of the day that I can be proud of for myself can also be helpful, especially the altruistic ones, which can be as simple as giving up your seat for someone on a train. 

3- Mindful Altruism to reconnect

Reconnecting with others and losing my sense of ego has been a very powerful healer. In my case, I’m volunteering at a dog and cat rescue shelter which also helps give perspective on life. It has helped me reconnect with my feelings and to be more in the present. 

4- Learning to set boundaries

This is by far the hardest one for me as this was a very strong issue in my family. There was no such thing as personal space or privacy so bedroom doors were never allowed to be closed and personal mail and diaries were read. Any feelings of hurt and betrayal that those actions caused were of course brushed aside and treated as being stupid and childish. 

5- Letting go of the fantasy

Deep down I still hope for an apology from my parents or at least a validation of my feelings due to their actions. Intellectually I know it will never happen as they refuse to believe anything is wrong and do not understand the concept of personal growth. However, deep down I struggle to accept this. Practicing mindfulness is gradually helping me to let go so that I can take responsibility for my own healing and accept that only they can be responsible for their lives. I am learning to accept this reality whilst also appreciating the present. Of course, it’s an ongoing process!