It’s frustrating when someone doesn’t know what they want in a relationship. I mean, how hard can it be? Your values are aligned, your friends like each other, you have some similar hobbies and some that you can do on your own… it all points to a healthy match. And yet, the tightening of the shoulders and the shallow breathing tell you otherwise. Fear of intimacy can be so crippling and yet, most of us crave that intimacy. 

That paradox is such a painful one for me and I realise that I have to live with the fact that I have pushed away several good men. According to Psychology Today, 17% of those in western cultures have this fear of intimacy. Part of me is envious of the 83% but I wouldn’t say I have regrets. Each past relationship has helped me learn about my behaviours and the cause of them. Every now and again, I can still feel the old anger against my parents trying to bubble up though. I remind myself that my parents are also suffering from the wrongs done to them by their parents and their parents again before them. They didn’t have the appropriate skills and it’s not their fault. 

What is fear of intimacy?

And so intimacy starts about 6 to 12 months into a relationship. It’s when you’re supposed to get to know each other deeply and intimately. We learn to appreciate our differences and help each other grow together and solve problems together with compassion. We share our emotions and help each other manage them. Sounds wonderful doesn’t it?

So why do I run? All I can feel is a tightening round my chest and throat as if I’m literally being suffocated. And yet I’m devastated when they finally give up on me and leave, if I haven’t run into hills before of course. Although I’m pretty good at pushing people away. Then the sadness that follows isn’t just about the human connection I’ve lost but I’m also sad at myself. In true codependency behaviour, I beat myself up that I’m still so damaged and the low self-esteem kicks in. Who could possibly love me anyway? Isn’t it safer to just stay on my self-made desert island?

Why the fear of intimacy?

As a child I learnt that if I showed any emotion I would either be shouted down or it would be used against me. “Girls don’t cry”. “Be like the Kipling poem ‘If’”. Whilst those words were meant well, they were very destructive as I never learnt to connect with my emotions. I don’t think I even knew the word until much later in life… it’s just not something we talked about with my family.

In my family, there was no show of love whatsoever and I don’t even have a memory of being hugged by my own mother. I’ve been closer to teachers and coaches over the years than to my own mother. It’s no wonder I’m terrified of intimacy when my key primary caregiver was so emotionally distant. And my father wasn’t even around so he had no chance. 

Losing Connections

During my early years, my intrusive mother would usually take over and fix the problem for me. I therefore eventually learnt to never run things by her. And yet I remember one occasion during my last year at university, I was feeling suffocated because one of the guys from my year wanted to go out with me. I just didn’t know how to handle someone actually wanting to spend time with me. I mean, why? What could possibly be so interesting?

As a good codependent child, I told my mother who of course panicked that I was being taken advantage of (god only knows how) and told me to run and stop answering and cut off his number. I dutifully obeyed. Looking back, he was a friend from uni and there was absolutely nothing wrong with him. He even made me a CD once … you’re not supposed to let those guys go. And yet, he’s only one example of many. 

Whats’ Next?

1.Setting clear boundaries to overcome the difficulty of expressing needs.

This is very much linked to the belief that was instilled in me that I’m not good enough. Therefore people can do what they want with me as I fear letting them down or them judging me. Establishing boundaries is something that I will be working on for a while. It means listening to your body and mind when you have a reaction to someone as they could be overstepping a boundary and then establishing it confidently and assertively. Easier said than done, for many of us.

2. Build Self-esteem and look for the good in self and others

Perfection became a self-defence mechanism for me to create external self-worth to help me believe in myself. It is obviously a mask and something I need to learn to let go of. None of us is perfect and learning to look for the good in both myself and others will help build my self-esteem. 

3. Willingness to Accept Uncertainty 

The greatest fear of intimacy is vulnerability and letting someone see your flaws and darkness. The irony is that they can probably see them already as these are essentially your blind spots. Maybe some people will walk away from these and learning to be ok with that is the key to remaining open and breaking down the wall of bricks. 

4. Rephrase the inner critic 

The phrases that were created in our minds as children need to be rewritten. The first step is to understand how these phrases were created. And then, if like me, you are your own worst critic, try making a list of your qualities. I always find that tough though so another trick is to write your weaknesses and find their opposite. So for example, I can come across as arrogant but that can also be confidence. Or impatience can also mean being good at getting things done.

5. Self-Compassion  

Being kind to ourselves is one of the most healing and powerful practices for those with low self-esteem. Imagine a friend talking to you when you feel you’ve done something wrong and that can help you reassess the situation. Self-compassion leads to self-love as we learn to accept ourselves for who we are, both good and bad, and realise we have much to offer. We are unique beings and worthy of love.