As an expat I often think about my sense of belonging. I hope it never happens but there is always the chance that one day I’ll be in a crisis that means my embassy has to help me back ‘home’. But I no longer belong to my passport country as I left when I was 4 years old. I call myself a Londoner but I don’t have a UK passport. And would I even belong there anymore now it has been 10 years?

Perhaps the very fact that I’ve lived as a ‘foreigner’ my whole life ‘influenced’ me to become an expat myself almost 10 years ago. Do I feel more ‘at home’ when I don’t belong? Or, probably more to the point, was I running away or towards something? Amongst expats, if we’re being honest, we all talk about which one we are doing. I like to think that I’m now far enough along on my personal journey to have worked through this. I believe I’m no longer running away but then again … either way, how can you be an expat and yet have a sense of belonging? 

Running Away 

For years I was running away from so many things. My family, my neurotic and narcissist parents, my codependency, my divorce … everywhere I turned, I felt controlled and claustrophobic. To add insult to injury, I’m now pretty sure I was also suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I love London and it will always be my ‘home’ but wow those winters are miserable. It’s so grey and wet. The cold from the river seeps into your bones such that they ache and feel heavy. No wonder pubs were invented all those centuries ago. There really is nothing quite like forgetting it all whilst sitting next to the fire, holding a brew. And I don’t mean tea. 

It’s Exotic

It felt oh so exotic and exciting to be surrounded by palm trees after London. And, in my case, Singapore’s beautiful city is clean, works and, most of all, welcomed me with open arms. When you move, everything is new and shiny and you feel on the top of the world. It’s only about 6 to 8 months later that you realise that like everything, there are pros and cons. Of course people think differently and your childhood friends aren’t just round the corner anymore. No one really knows you. Suddenly you miss your favourite food and, bizarrely, your favourite winter boots. The reality of loneliness kicks in. That song, Cheers, comes to mind where you’re in a city and everybody knows your name, except they don’t. We all want it though, not just the expat, that sense of belonging.

The Reality 

Of course living abroad is an incredible experience and can be full of glitz. You also learn some life skills that many do not have the opportunity to even think about. How we adapt, open our minds and become challenged by everything is exactly what any good personal life coach would advise 😉

But it’s also hard and has ups and downs that your friends back home can’t relate to. So, you have to find different friends. And you make mistakes because you’re an expat desperate to find that sense of belonging. It’s a cliche, but it’s true. However, once you’ve found them, you have to say goodbye to them when they move again. But you learn to communicate differently because even if friends physically come and go, they are always at the end of some technology line. These are also the friends who understand the challenges of being an expat searching to belong.

But do you want to be the expat who lives in their bubble trying to recreate home? Or do you want to adapt and integrate and learn to be an expat with a sense of belonging? That way, you can keep a balance between your ‘home’ and your local home life. It is possible to get a sense of belonging even when living in what can sometimes feel like an alien culture. However, it does take a bit of a leap of faith and a huge willingness to question everything you believe in. 

Are you ready to be challenged? 

1- Awareness 

The first step is to understand if you’re running away from or running towards something. For me, that step happened during a random conversation with a friend in a bar off a side street in Hong Kong. I can still picture it. Suddenly it was clear that I was running away from my previous life. I wanted to start again. I wanted to leave behind the pain of divorce, the torment of family control and the pressure of my high achiever expectations. 

Mindfulness allows us to gain awareness of our thought patterns and habits. Listen to what your mind is telling you. Are you trying to blank out the past and do you constantly find fault with your previous country? Or perhaps you’re running towards that job, that dream island or culture because these will make you happy, allegedly? 

2- Purpose 

I know I often come back to this one but it saddens me that so many of us drift through life. Too many realise too late that they were either living someone else’s dream or just simply never worked out what they wanted to do. What a waste of a life. And it’s also a great tragedy to never even get close to happiness. As many claim, notably Victor Frankl, finding your purpose gets you one step closer to happiness. 

3- Connect at a deeper level – we are all human 

On the surface, of course we’re different. However, the more you travel and the more you live in different cultures then the more you realise that we are the same. We are human. We have the same fears, anxieties and desires. The problem is that we cling on to our worldview shaped by our own culture and upbringing. The faster we learn to let that go then the more quickly we see the similarities with others. The easier it becomes to listen to people with curiosity. What are they truly telling you? Is it coming from a place of fear or security? What can you do to make them more at ease? An interesting compassion exercise is to wish in your mind happiness to everyone you meet. It might sound weird but you’ll soon start seeing a shift in how you speak to people and therefore they will start relating to you differently and you’ll feel happier.

4- Be ready to lose your ‘worldview’ 

There is no one way to do things. We can all learn from each other and we can all try different things to get things done. The more open we are to this then the easier it becomes to share our views rather than trying to ‘sell’ them. It’s a bit like driving on the left or on the right … both are equally good. My biggest advice is don’t try to find everything that reminds you of back home but simply explore and discover. Keep what you like and perhaps leave what you don’t for another day. Tastes always change anyway.

I’m not saying this is easy especially if, like many of us living abroad, you get moments of loneliness. But it’s worth it, especially when you know that going back ‘home’ is no longer an option. Some of us have just been away for too long … but I’m not claiming I did this alone either. I’ve had some incredible friends and coaching partners along the way. Thank you to all of you!