What does self love feel like? What actions do we take to have it? Where do we start? Until recently I never even saw the point. Surely it’s about stiff upper lip and a closed heart. Well, apparently that just makes us suffer more in the long run because we are not truly being human. Closing off to our emotions cuts out such a large part of our human experience. And how can we expect anyone to love us and treat us respectfully if we can’t even do it with ourselves.  

What Motivates Us

The other day someone said to me that people volunteer for dogs to make themselves feel good. Essentially we are feeding our ego. Whilst that might be true, it got me thinking to why I work with animals. Why have always longed to be with animals? As a child of a narcissist, could I also have narcissistic traits? Or perhaps I’m just filling the void of lack of unconditional love. If I’m honest, it’s probably a bit of both but with self-love I can be motivated by self-care and by my values. Hopefully I won’t be driven by my ego as my values are definitely not the traits you would see on a narcissistic personality list. 

So Where to we Start with Self Love?

I never experienced unconditional love from my parents when I was growing up. There was always the small print. I had to be perfect for them to love me. We never talked about our emotions and we were not allowed to be upset or to cry. If I never experienced unconditional love then how can I be expected to love myself? I will never be perfect enough nor will I ever follow their way of life therefore I’m bad. 

So what is self love? What does self love feel like? The dogs I care for look at me with those eyes that tell me I can do no wrong. They are always loving, always supportive even when I make mistakes with them, which of course I do. If that’s what love feels like, can I do it with myself? 

1- Imagine a friend who loves you

How do they talk to you? how do they support you? Without a normal family connection, my friends became family, which some of you might relate with.

2- Accepting your flaws

And that no one is perfect. In fact, if you think about it, wouldn’t life be exceedingly boring if everyone was perfect? I start conjuring up images of stepford wives which makes me laugh at how ridiculous my inbuilt belief is. That can also be a relief and is helping me rephrase my story of the world. 

3- Understanding your needs…

… and being confident at meeting them without depending on others. As I was constantly looking for love from parents who could not give it, I became a people pleaser. Learning to say no was one of my biggest challenges that I still struggle with. I also liked the suggestion I read someone that you should feel comfortable and happy at going on a dinner date on your own.

4- Being Self-Aware of your Inner Critic

It is important to start work on changing that critical voice to a compassionate one. Mindfulness is key for this and I particularly like Magda’s blog about this.

5- Reunite body and mind for self love

It’s important to feel alive and present as it will help open your heart and release all those feel good chemicals. Anything from walking in nature to yoga, dancing and exercising can help release our happy serotonin chemical