Having lived most of my life being a victim, I’m still enjoying the feeling of having lost that black shadow sitting on my shoulders. In hindsight, it was exhausting. I was clinging on to the identity of being a victim. I demanded sympathy from those around me … how exhausting for them. However, what is victim mentality? How did I get out of victim mentality? But like any shadow… it really just gets smaller but never really disappears so I still work on keeping it at bay. 

What fascinates me is how much I’ve been attracted to negative people. It’s so true what they say – misery begets misery. The problem with being a people pleaser is that deep down I’m looking for validation from these people. I want them to like me because I’ve ‘helped’ them. The joys of being brought up by a narcissist ! 

The problem is that it’s fun being a victim. It’s a great excuse for mistakes, wallowing in bed, just generally feeling sorry for yourself. We’ve all done it at some point, I’m sure, so why should we try to get out of it? 

How do you know you’re in a victim loop?

Do you constantly feel like the world is against you? Do you feel that people should treat you differently? Are you always complaining? Do the stories you tell always revolve around you and how the world has treated you? Is life simply unfair? 

Of course we all have some of those moments but if overall, we get caught up in these stories then we can get stuck. The feeling of helplessness can be so overwhelming that we don’t even know how to help ourselves anymore. 

We identify with our Stories

I remember years ago, people telling me I have a chip on my shoulder. Looking back, I now see that I felt the world had treated me unfairly by making me a woman. Why should men get the ‘easier’ life? Then again, my mother reminded me every day of my life that having children was the worst thing that happened to her. But how crazy is it that I took all that personally?

My mother was just dealing with her own struggles and in those days, having children meant being stripped of your freedom. It had nothing to do with me but more about the society and rules that she lived in. And who am I to say that men have an easier life? They just have other struggles. My brain had once again tricked me into believing that the only thing that mattered was me. And that no one could be suffering as badly as me. How wrong is that?! 

The brain is such a fascinating tool. It will forever strive to tell us we are the best at everything. We are right about everything and our world view is fact. But how can 7.8 billion people all be right?? That’s almost a funny image. In fact, everyone is suffering in different ways for large or small things. No one can judge the gravity or size of the suffering and we can only offer compassion. As we try to validate our suffering, in fact, staying a victim hurts us more than anyone else. It keeps us locked in our negative stories, in our helplessness and in our depression. 

How do we get out of our victim loop?

I was very lucky to have a great coach who helped me hold a mirror up to myself. He also made me do a great exercise that revolved around playing the victim that helped me see myself. Whilst I have always been a relatively positive person, I had always expected special treatment … it’s actually quite a relief now not to stand out. 

Considering most of us have it as some point but actually, it’s completely self-defeating and can even be self-destructive. We end up being stuck and helpless whilst also picking up bad habits or self-destructive coping strategies. You then enter that vicious circle where it just keeps getting worse. 

So how do we get out of our victim mentality? 

1- Reframing Events

Whilst being a victim is fun and attracts ‘caring’ attention, it is in fact a loss of control over life events. If you identify with the story that you can’t change or impact anything, then there is almost no point in getting out of bed? But what if everything happened because of something you did or said? Then you have the power to change it or fix it … not only does the helplessness start falling away but relationships become more open and trusting. 

2- Forgive and Let Go

This is a tough one but forgiveness is a huge healer for both parties. Accept that everyone always plays a part and try to see what part you played. It’s helpful to also try to imagine the pain or hurt other people are experiencing. Compassion helps create forgiveness. 

3- Common Suffering

This was a huge one for me. It was liberating when I finally clicked that any problem or issue that I have has been lived before 1000s of times and will be experienced again. I gained perspective and realised the issue has happened, it’s over. The only thing I can constructively do now is to learn the lesson and apologise where needed. As a mentor once told me when I started working for the first time all those years ago: “If you don’t make mistakes, no one will notice you, and no cares about the mistakes, only how you deal with them and fix what is needed”. 

4- Understanding the Cause

It can be helpful to understand the patterns in our minds and, in some cases, where they come from. Of course, working with a professional is often necessary. In my case, I’d learnt some of my helplessness patterns from my family life as a child because I had no control on the fact that none of my needs were met. 

5- Self-Compassion

We are often tough on ourselves and this can cause us to continue spiralling in the victim loop. It’s almost like a harsh adult telling off a child who just wants to keep crying about how the world is unfair. I used to actually picture myself as that child all those years ago. I would imagine hugging that child and helping the child understand that yes, it’s tough now but things will get better. You will get control back as you grow up. Compassion meditations are of course a great tool for these instances.