I listened to a friend of mine recently telling me how she was drinking and eating too heavily again. She knew she was struggling with something as she could see her destructive habits growing again but she didn’t know why, nor where to start. It is indeed very overwhelming when we have a suite of emotions bubbling below the surface all trying to compete for our attention. Often we want a quick fix and for it to just all go away. I know I do. 

Hitting Rock Bottom

I hit rock bottom about 22 years ago. I don’t recommend it. But in a way, it was the best thing that happened to me because it allowed me to ‘start’. I got separated from my husband and later divorced. My life was unmanageable and I found myself on that ledge wondering how much easier it would be to just step off. I still sometimes wonder what pulled me back. My memory tells me that the music I was playing suddenly got through to me but I don’t know if it’s just how my brain likes to remember it at that particular moment. Music and dance did hold me together moving forwards though. 

My first lifeline

And so where did I start? I never thought I’d say these words but I started with self help books and I went to find help. I was very lucky to find the right coach that helped me ‘unstuck’ myself. From a practical point of view, I then drew with my lifeline to highlight when and where did the biggest pain occur. And of course it was with my mother. It’s an time-old issue. I’m not the first and I’m definitely not the last.

My coach at the time encouraged me to start journaling which also had a huge impact for me. It was therapeutic to write through my life’s memories and try to pinpoint the scenarios that impacted me and created the doubt and shame that my mother gave me. It was also heart wrenching. I’ve never cried so much. We often experience something called backdraft which is essentially a bit like opening the floodgates of emotions.  And yet, I also suddenly found forgiveness which was the most powerful piece. It wasn’t her fault. She loved me in her own way and did the best she could with the tools and knowledge she had. That gave me peace in itself.

Our journeys never end

It was such a big step and kick start to my journey. The journey has since had its twists and turns, backwards and forwards and crazy loops. Later meditation was my next biggest step which then helped me out of my victim loop (a blog for another day). The main thing I remember each time is to do small baby steps. I remember even starting my 10 minute guided meditation sessions in my cab to work everyday. It was the only way I could fit them in, so I thought. As I did more though, I then realised I wanted to make time for meditation and suddenly this extra time appeared for me.   

What other practical exercises have helped me: 

1- Noting and Labelling

Noting and labelling emotions and negative thought patterns – that was the key focus when I started with my self-help books. Why were particular situations making me angry or frustrated? From there, I could work backwards in my journal and try to find similar scenarios throughout my life and find the common cause. One example is that I find that anyone trying to tell me what to do triggers an old pain linked to being controlled by my mother. 

2- Feel emotions and where they are in the body…

Feel emotions in the body with curiosity and with time, learn to not own them. When we get strong emotions and feelings, it can be helpful to try to feel them in the body. The more curiosity we have to observe them, then the easier it is to step back from them, with time. Thinking about something neutral at the time also helps although this comes with pracitice, especially with meditation.But always remember to be kind to yourself https://anneshappyclues.com/why-compassion/

3- Lifeline Exercise

Try to understand your triggers with the lifeline exercise. Then just pick a moment and write about it. I do this exercise every few years as I always get new insight. The more you understand it then the more you can understand the cause of your pain. You can then rephrase it in your mind and start letting it go with meditation. You are worthy and have a right to your boundaries, no matter what. 

4- Taking Ownership… but ask for help

Take ownership of your journey. It isn’t easy but it’s worth it. For me it was the realisation that only I can do the work. And the only thing I can change is myself. But of course I had help. For some it’s therapy and for others, it’s coaching. It really depends on that phase of your life and the issues you’re facing but either way, having someone help you in a structured manner is very powerful.

5- Finding your Purpose

Find your purpose and make sure you do one thing everyday to align with that purpose. Believing in and working towards something bigger than ourselves also gives perspective and a mission in life. It also motivates us to improve ourselves because our purpose needs us to be best version of ourselves.