As I felt the waves of that Sunday depression the other weekend, I paid special attention to my inner voice to try to work out why. I’m very lucky to be living the life I want that honours both my values and purpose. So, why that sudden envelope of darkness? Well, it turns out the my inner critic hasn’t been silenced as much as I thought it had. It was now berating me for having had a day off without achieving anything. That’s when I went back to my self-compassion which is truly the start to happiness.
Our Inner Critic
Most of us were taught to be hard on ourselves when we were younger. Sometimes this was caused by perfectionist and over-controlling caregivers, as was my case. Alternatively, it became a way to become independent and escape a life no one could possibly bear. Either way, our inner critic served a purpose once upon a time in helping us become good at whatever we were working on.
Today though, there’s a chance your inner critic has taken things too far and become both judge and executioner. By being the best, your inner critic helped you survive a long time ago and avoided you being hurt by others. Now, you can use the family systems concept to befriend your inner critic and better understand them.
Self-compassion is the start to happiness
Many of us have a rather mystical view of happiness, perhaps tainted by films, and we believe that it’s both a right and a goal. This can be dangerous because we fall into the trap of connecting happiness with material things. in fact, happiness is an internal state of mind and being.
The human mind will always be filling us with endless thoughts. So, rather than wish them away for eternal bliss, we should accept that those thoughts and emotions will come and go forever. Instead, let’s talk to ourselves kindly, just like a friend would. That way, we can make sure we have a supportive partner by our mental side.
Self-compassion is not self-indulgence
We’re not saying that we should be letting ourselves off the hook when we make a mistake. On the contrary, self-compassion encourages us to accept ourselves as humans and to better manage our limitations.
Science even shows us that an overly active inner critic shuts down the learning centres in our brains so that we can’t improve or move forwards. Other studies again have linked self-compassion with increased happiness, positivity, curiosity and general well-being. Of course, developing self-compassion isn’t easy at first but there are many benefits, including the following:
1- It’s more motivating
Compassion as a “caring supportive tone” has been shown, in compassion-focused therapy, to help people open up to past failures. This then helps them to let them go and finally move forwards. Naturally, not all of us need to go to therapy but we all have some form of inner voice.
Does this sound familiar: “you’re not good enough so there’s no point even going to that interview / exam / meeting / dinner” and then you just TV binge instead? Wouldn’t the thought “you’re good enough with some great skills so why not give it a go” not be more encouraging?
2- More inclusive of others
By being kind to ourselves, we necessarily become kinder to others. When we practice self-compassion, we ask ourselves what do we need, including what type of comfort, in order to make it through life. With practice, it becomes easier to connect with others’ suffering and to see that they’re also trying the best they can. We then start feeling more connected in general such that we want to keep learning and improving both ourselves and the world around us. This makes us happier because this leads to feelings of positivity and the overall belief that we can move forwards. We essentially become unstuck.
3- Boosts self-worth
Reframing your inner critic to be the voice of encouragement will help you believe in yourself and your self- worth. Ultimately, your inner voice is now telling you that you can do whatever you put your mind to. Eventually, this will become true as neuroscientists have proven. So, notice the critical thought, talk to it to find out its concern and then reassure the voice with positive counterclaims. With time, your brain will naturally rewire itself and everything will feel more natural.
Where’s your Start to Happiness?
Perhaps counterintuitively, self-compassion isn’t something you just do. It takes time and practice but little steps can make you feel better in just a few days. An easy way to start is to talk to yourself as if you were a friend. The chances are, your close friends wouldn’t use the harsh words your inner critic does.
Another way, is simply to chat to your inner critic and give it counter examples. These can include examples of when things have gone well for you or when you used your strengths for great results. Finally, knowing your strengths and reading them every morning to remind yourself what you bring to the world is hugely uplifting. Self-compassion is both the start to happiness and an ongoing journey with yourself from which you’ll never look back.
