As Kid Cudi’s Happiness track came on the radio, I wondered about how so many of us are obsessed about that elusive word: ‘happiness’. Do we even really know what the pursuit of happiness actually means?

For years, I assumed I’d be happy once I got married and then got that senior job. I also followed Kid Cudi’s Happiness approach for more years than I care to relate. Then, after some close scrapes, a divorce, several redundancies and moving to many different countries, I learnt the hard way that happiness is internal. Of course there are extreme situations that people face. However, if you’re not threatened by wars or other horrific events then there’s a chance that you could also find inner peace with your own pursuit of happiness. 

Pursuit of Happiness or Contentment?

I’m not saying that getting internal happiness is easy because it does mean facing our demons. I really like that the dictionary states happiness as being about pleasure and contentment though. There’s something about the word contentment which helps me remember that we all have daily stresses and our mental chatter to deal with. And yet, we can still be content.

The good news is that we can practice to be ok with our mental stream of consciousness. We can also be content even if we are constantly dealing with a range of emotions. They’re not going anywhere and neither is our mental chatter. Nevertheless, we can reframe our mental chatter or simply let it go. In fact, the less we listen to our internal chatter then the less likely we are to get caught up in our anxious or depressive thoughts. Clearly, I’m not referring to those who have clinical depression but for most of us, we can reach that state of contentment with a little effort.

We Have a Choice

Happiness is a choice. That might sound ridiculous because sadly, it’s true that bad things happen to good people. As Victor Frankl showed though, it’s about how you approach the situation and with what state of mind. Admittedly, he’s a pretty special person and I’m not sure I would have the strength to find purpose and contentment in a concentration camp. But he does show what our minds are capable of. 

If the pursuit of happiness is to be found internally, then how do we do that? Of course, I could talk about hedonism, as per Kid Cudi’s Happiness, or having a purpose and a positive attitude. I actually believe that it’s a blend of all of those. Regardless, I wonder if we could instead leverage something from resilience? For me, these 2 points were key in helping me find my own contentment:

1- Accepting the things you can’t control

Think about all those times when you wished for a situation to be different. The chances are that you were trying to control things. Losing my best friend recently reminded me how little control we really have over life’s events. I’ll confess that it took superhuman effort to remind myself to focus on what I could control and what I was grateful for instead. But it is possible.

2- Letting go of the need to please others 

I can proudly say that I’m a recovering people pleaser. Ok, I’m recovering from many things but the people pleaser thing is still in me even though its voice is getting fainter. In my case, this one was really down to practice. I started noticing all those moments when I got frustrated with people. I then began to say no to all their demands.

Admittedly, the ‘no’ was a little aggressive at first as it was a bit too reactionary. With time though, I managed to tone it down and make it sound polite. It’s still a work in progress but it’s such a relief to only do things that work for me. Of course, it doesn’t mean that I don’t help people but not to the detriment of my boundaries and values. Sometimes you can also give and take a little. That’s ok too.

What’s Stopping You?

I know all this is easier said than done. It all takes a certain determination as well as a lot of practice and patience with ourselves. Also, you have to really want it. Having clung to my victimhood for decades, I know that deep down, I didn’t want to be on the pursuit to happiness all those years ago. Instead, I wanted to whinge and cry so that people would feel sorry for me. It might sound like a strange thing to say because of course I would never have admitted that at the time. The turning point for me was doing a rather odd exercise called the Benefits exercise. 

Benefits Exercise 

Think about what’s stopping you and then write down 50 benefits to holding onto that belief. For example, I listed 50 benefits of being a victim. The exercise is powerful because after the first 10 or so, you start digging into the subconscious and coming up with reasons you never expected. As I got to 50, I suddenly clicked that I could let go of all my so-called reasons for being the victim. If you’re not sure what’s stopping you then you can start with the benefits of pleasing others or the benefits of having no control. Have a go and let yourself be surprised with what comes out at the end. Remember to be compassionate with yourself though as you might also uncover some painful memories. I know I did.

The Pursuit of Happiness 

It’s worth pointing out that I’m making the assumption that if we reduce our stress then we are more content. Naturally, we still have to have our basic needs met such as having enough food and water as well as a roof over our heads.

Assuming you have all those though, have a think about how you try to control things around you and whether you’re trying to please too many people. You never know, you might find a new door to open for your own quest for happiness. And then, you have a choice. You can stay and cling onto whatever is holding you back or you can let it go and move towards contentment. The path is tough and never-ending but it does get easier and don’t forget that you can also trick your brain for a little boost. But if contentment isn’t worth fighting for then I don’t know what is.