If you’re anything like me then you will have snapped at someone you love without meaning to hurt them. Whether that person was your child, partner or friend doesn’t matter. We all find ourselves struggling with communication and relationships at times. I used to become my overly controlling Mother and I would hide the pain of having lived with that controlling Mother behind obsessive achievement and perfectionism. Yeah, needless to say, it wasn’t fun for anyone. So, I had to go through the process of reparenting myself.

If this rings true to you then it’s highly likely that some or all of your needs were neglected as a child. You’re now acting out as the critical parent because that’s what you learnt from yours. Sometimes it’s your inner child pretending to be the parent. Either way, you never learnt the skills to manage your emotions and behaviours. This is why reparenting yourself might be the best thing for you.

Reparenting Yourself

I know this all sounds a bit grim but there’s always hope. You can learn to reparent yourself. Most things you read will talk about giving yourself nurture and self-care. As you might expect, this is true in many cases because most adult issues come from lack of warmth and nurturing when we were younger. Nevertheless, we all need different things. For example, if you had overly protective parents then you might need to finds ways of looking after yourself to feel safe. On the other hand, if your parents were inconsistent then you might need to create structure in your life. And overly critical parents leave us needing to find ways to forgive ourselves. Whatever you experienced, you can now consider reparenting yourself.

The scary part is that the wounded child left behind can create years of being stuck as an adult in a state, sometimes referred to as ego state, of constantly being overly critical, overly rebellious or simply distanced. Whatever felt safest or more rewarding at the time is what takes over into our adult selves. It can go so far as getting us stuck in the victim loop which is where I found myself. The only way I got attention as a child was if I made a scene about something and made everyone believe that it truly was the end of the world. 

Finding Healthy Adult States

So, what can we do to create healthy ego states? If you’re interested in where this comes from then it’s based on Eric Berne’s transactional analysis which he described in a very good and easy to understand book: The Games People Play. And a great article by Muriel James shows this in action. 

In the meantime, let’s see how to start for your own individual approach: 

1- Discover yourself first 

It sounds obvious but, like everything, reparenting yourself starts with observing. These behaviours or reactions are blind spots most of the time so we have to learn to notice them before we can do anything about them. We essentially need to know what we’re dealing with. 

For example, do you tend to keep people at a distance so perhaps you had overly busy parents? Then again, are you judgemental or a bit of a perfectionist because you were constantly criticised as a child? What about being overly controlling yourself because you had needy parents who needed parenting themselves? 

Whatever it is, do this fun questionnaire to give you a starting point. It will help you work out the proportion of times when you’re the controlling parent versus the care free child. Yes, we need our child states too at times. 

2- What behaviours and habits did you learn from your parents

Let’s not forget that despite all their errors, our parents had some good qualities, in most cases. Reparenting yourself is therefore about keeping what works and letting go of what doesn’t. So, now you know your tendencies from the first step, let’s also review the environment your parents provided you with. Make sure you include both positives and negatives as you review these questions, inspired by Muriel James’ “Born to Win“:

• How did they view money and possessions? What about appearance, work and education? 
• What happened when there was a crisis? Did they talk about it and their feelings? 
• What, if anything, did they do for fun? 
• What language and words did they use? How did they show emotions and affections, if at all? 
• How did they listen, or not, to you and each other? 
• What attitudes and beliefs did you observe? 
• How do you copy them today? What works for you and what doesn’t? 

3- Reframe your inner voice – Look Inside 

There’s an interesting Japanese practice called Naikan which means “looking inside”. It’s all about self-reflection based on 3 questions: 

1- What have I received from …?

2- What have I given to …?

3- What troubles and difficulties have I caused …? 

When applied to the experience you had with your parents then you might find some interesting takeaways. Only you will know what those are. Essentially though, these questions help you step away from being in a victim state and to being a bit more open minded about your overall childhood. You gain a bit more perspective which can help you focus on the learnings rather than the blame. At the end of the day, our parents did the best they could with what they had and remember that they too are wounded children and carry their own burdens and suffering. 

Bringing it Together

Hopefully you should now have an idea of some of the traits you want to keep and those you want to let go. Now the big question is, how do you let go of those traits that no longer serve you? Each trait might have a different cause and be trying to meet a different need. So, when you notice each one in action, try to stop and ask yourself what you truly need? Is it nurture, boundary, structure or simply self-acceptance? As you listen to your inner voice, the answer will become clear. Let your own mind and inner needs guide you.

The Journey Never Ends

The process of reparenting is a journey, like everything when it comes to healing. Whatever you do, remember to be kind to yourself and to give yourself the self-care you need. I also find it helpful to remind myself that I have a choice to hold onto to my suffering and make it my identity or to let it go and view the lessons I’m being given. Ok, so that choice isn’t always easy to make. Nevertheless, it’s always there. Although, we can’t always do it alone and sometimes need help … if you’re one of those people who never asks for help, make it your new week’s resolution to ask for help.

Sure enough, we all make mistakes and you’re also bound to as you learn reparenting yourself, usually with the best intentions. How many times have you tried to help someone only to find that you’re actually in the way? Can you laugh about it or does your inner critical parent tell you that you’re a failure? Instead, try to let go of trying to be perfect and accept the humility of life. Deep down, are you doing all these helpful things truly out of the goodness of your heart or to look good? Or to fill that hole in your heart? What is that wounded child crying out for?

Do the ego-gram, develop your inner parent and become more natural in your approach to life. The realisation that we control nothing will slowly become clear. And you’ll find yourself more at peace with the natural order.