Do you sometimes surprise yourself with a sudden outburst when someone asks you a simple question? At times, I get a deep irrational fear that someone or something is going to control me. This fear of engulfment is so strong that I’ve lost friends and partners over it. The wounded child inside can be tough to heal. It is possible to reconnect with your inner child though and feel whole again. 

The Wounded Child 

Most of us have heard of the terrible abuse that happens to some people. Nonetheless, do you know that abuse covers a whole range of experiences? Even yelling at children is abuse. Finally knowing that made such a difference to me and opened up my inner healing. 

Any form of negative emotional or mental incident when growing up can create deep wounds that we then carry into adulthood. Sometimes looking back as an adult might seem weird because you think to yourself that it wasn’t that bad. 

Children interpret the world differently though and they have needs that are often misunderstood by adults. Perhaps you craved attention but your parents were busy working? Even that can cause self-esteem issues in the future. One of the signs to consider whether you have a wounded inner child is whether you’re often reactive and defensive to feedback. 

The Inner Child in Psychotherapy

Perhaps the term is overused in today’s media and internet world but it’s still an important and helpful concept. It originally came from Carl Jung’s work on the archetypes and personas we each carry. As a colleague of Freud, this theory was perhaps a relatively natural evolution from the ego and the id but it was revolutionary in those days and it’s still relevant today. Now you could perhaps refer to Internal Family Systems that was developed by Richard Schwartz in the 80s. 

Children respond to situations differently but all of us have the ability to repress emotions that are too complex to process at a young age. I remember that everything in my life was controlled from what I wore and when I wore it and down to being allowed to the bathroom. That scared little girl who’s worried about doing or saying anything wrong is still within me. If I don’t connect with her, there’s a part of me that I’ll always push away and who will react when I feel controlled. 

Reconnect with Your Inner Child 

As I recently explained to someone, we don’t have a checklist to help us determine who’s our wounded inner child. Instead, it’s a process that involves being curious and kind to ourselves. Often, we need a coach or therapist to guide us through the difficult emotions that necessarily come up. 

There are some things you can do to get started though: 

1- Write a letter to your inner child

This might feel weird but the aim is to give your inner child what they need. Perhaps you needed to be noticed or loved when you were a child? Children also need to feel safe and to learn to stand up for themselves. If those were taken away from you, one approach is to forgive yourself and tell yourself it wasn’t your fault. Most children assume they’ve done something wrong. Liberate yourself by reframing that conclusion. 

2- Reflect over childhood photos

If you’ve disconnected from the emotions that you experienced as a child, this might be tough at first. It took me a long time to truly feel that the child I was seeing in photos was me. She didn’t feel like me even though I knew logically that she was. The process involves sitting in a quiet place and looking at photos whilst trying to imagine being back there. What were you thinking and feeling at the time? This is all about finding a way to reconnect with your inner child. 

3- Do a lifeline to reconnect with your inner child 

If all of this feels very new and the first two options seem too strange, go back to the basics. The lifeline exercise is a useful experience to start remembering what being a child was like for you. You might be surprised by what you remember as you go through the exercise. The idea is to go through all the ups and downs in your life from when you were born. What did you feel at each moment and how did you get through it? Again, reconnect with your inner child as you go through your childhood moments. 

Are you Ready to Reconnect with your Inner Child? 

Of course, this takes a bit of effort but if you’re finally ready to reduce your reactive outbursts then it’s worth it. I know I’m still working on my fear of being controlled but I’m ready to let it go. I want to live life so that I’m free to try things and connect with people without this fear eating me up. Give it a go as well and see what you can open up for yourself.