I have several friends who base their life on only pursuing their own pleasure. Some work as little as possible and just enough to have money for their various parties or hobbies. Some avoid all responsibility and again, work just enough for their guilty pleasures. Are they happy? They all drink too much which is perhaps a sign. But is self-indulgence destructive? If at the end, we are all nothing, or are we, and then what difference does it make if we do something meaningful or not? Why is self-indulgence bad? 

Today we often hear about self-care and the differences between positive and negative coping strategies. One fact that we all have to deal with is that life means to suffer. So, should we give in to indulgence and mask our feelings with parties, cakes, alcohol or whatever vice? If we don’t feel it, then it’s not there, right? But how many people end up with mid-life crises? 

The fact is that we are pack animals and we need to feel important and helpful to our group, whether that’s society, our community or other unit of connectivity. Viktor Frankl based his psychology on the need to have a purpose. Positive Psychology also confirms that we need to feel that we are using our skills to support a mission in order to feel happy. And a goal to follow pleasure does not work for us humans. Unfortunately so! And many celebrities have shown that to dire effects through various addictions.

I believe that the key point though is that self-indulgence means you are only looking after yourself. You are massaging your ego and listening to nothing else. Mindfulness teaches us to let go of the ego. The more we let go of the ego then the more we can keep perspective of our own issues and step away from any victim behaviour. Self-indulgence essentially feeds our dark side but our brains are so clever in sustaining us that we tell ourselves that our dark sides don’t exist. People then start pushing us away or we start hanging out with the ‘bad apples’ and not understanding why the world hates us. But it’s not personal. Life is hard for everyone. And it’s not about us as individuals. But the vicious circle that self-indulgence creates actually makes it worse and leads us down a dark path. 

I’m not saying that positive self-care is easy. It’s not. Our brains want instant gratification. It’s what kept us alive all those millennia ago. Giving us a dopamine rush on certain foods that gave us energy, for example sugar, could mean survival against that wooly mammoth coming round the corner. However, the threats we face in modern life are different and therefore we need to train our brains to pause. In other words, to give ourselves space. Or… you guessed it… mindfulness. 

So how do we make it easier to follow the healthy coping strategies:

1- Meditation and Mindfulness

A personal practice allows us to view the world as it is rather than as we would wish it to be. We therefore get a moment of space before we react or blindly follow our emotions. If we sit with the feeling of “I want that ice cream / beer / dress” with curiosity rather than identifying with it then something strange happens. The feeling moves on. We suddenly realise that we didn’t really want whatever it was. Thoughts and therefore addictions do not need to define us.

2- Healthy Rewards

They do exist! We can all find that fruit or special tea that we enjoy. Perhaps a walk or time out with the dogs, even altruism. There are activities and things out there for all us that we can enjoy in a healthy manner. And finding our purpose in life is the ultimate step in happiness.

3- Some hedonism is good!

After all, we all need to let loose and have fun. Interestingly though, real hedonism isn’t about being selfish as it still involves being part of the community and contributing whilst pursuing pleasure. There is a healthier balance. 

4- Work life blend

Many of us are slaves to the 9 to 5 culture but we should listen to our bodies and follow our natural cycles. A friend of mine once had a boss who would come into the office in the mornings for a few hours and then go to the gym and perhaps go to his child’s concert recital before returning to work. He would do the same amount of work but in a way that allowed him to support both his working and personal life.

5- Self-esteem & Self-compassion

This is a big one for me personally that I have worked on them for some time. If we feel unworthy then why should we look after ourselves? If we feel that we have nothing to offer then it doesn’t matter if we destroy our brain cells by over-drinking? But these things are tough to work through and often a lack of them can be due to some very complex emotions. There are many self-help tools out there and sometimes we need professional help but it’s ok to ask for help.