Do you ever find yourself wondering why you always seem to meet the romantic partners who take you for granted or somehow step on all your personal boundaries? What about those so-called friends who always tell you what you should and shouldn’t be doing? Could it be possible that you’re doing something to attract toxic people?
What are Toxic People?
- Anyone who depletes your energy and doesn’t respect your boundaries
- It’s not our job to fix people and we can only help when they want to help themselves
Anything from narcissists to neurotics could be classified as toxic. Of course there are some extreme cases and I’m not talking about clinical cases. Essentially though, all those people out there who’ve been emotionally wounded somehow and simply haven’t faced it yet are toxic. You know the ones who leave you depleted of energy or filled with anger. There’s a reason we have emotions and they are the best clues for telling us when people invade our space or step on our values.
I have huge empathy for toxic people because they are hurting so much they don’t know how to behave with people. They might be judgemental, manipulative, controlling or simply self-absorbed. Perhaps they grew up in dysfunctional homes or were mentally and physically abused. They might be holding on to their identity of the victim or lost in helplessness. I’m sure life is overwhelming and they never learnt the tools to deal with their emotions and pain.
One of the greatest lessons you can ever take on though is that it’s not your job to fix people. As a people pleaser, it took me years to take that on as a core belief myself. I knew it logically but deep down, I still thought I could, and should, help fix people. The only person who can help anyone is themselves. This is where it’s worth noting that I still help people, in fact it’s my life purpose, but not at the expense of my values and boundaries. There’s a subtle but key difference.
You Attract Toxic People and Certain Types with your Energy
- Do you know your shadow or unhealthy behavioural traits?
- We only attract the same as us
Carl Jung did a lot of work on our shadow personality which is everything we hide from ourselves that we don’t like. The funny thing is that everyone else can see it but our brains have hidden it from our view. It’s the same with our weaknesses. We desperately try to hide them, often by over compensating somehow, but again, others can see them perfectly clearly.
The difficulty is that it’s hard to see our weaknesses and our shadow. Our brains do not want to show them to us because it’s going to be too painful. It will be painful but it’s the only way to keep toxic people away.
We all know that we attract like-minded people and that’s the same when it comes to our shadow. The next time someone annoys you, try to think about what trait of theirs you don’t like and how you might have the same one. Our shadow emotions can act as a mirror and if we have low self-esteem with a craving to be loved then we’ll probably attract needy people with no concept of personal boundaries.
Do the Work with Self-Compassion
Whether we like it or not, our energy and our core beliefs attract the same people. This is true even if we don’t know our core beliefs. So why not do the work and find out? The more you rewrite your core beliefs into healthier ones, with self-compassion, then the more grounded you’ll become. And all those grounded people will come flocking to you.
1- Develop Self-Awareness of your Behaviours to create healthier ones and read your Emotions around people
- Everything your mind tells you is a lie
- Get feedback and start journaling
Everyone else can see our weaknesses and our shadow traits so why not ask them? Ok, be kind to yourself and ask people you trust and can rely on. Also, don’t forget to ask more than one person because everyone also brings their own bias into their feedback.
Journaling is a great tool to help you sort out your emotions when they’re telling you something is wrong. Have you ever been in that situation when your body feels really uncomfortable about what someone else is saying or doing but your mind is trying to justify it? Write it all down and you’ll gradually see that your body is right. There’s a good chance you’re dealing with a toxic person but your mind always plays tricks on you to try to make you feel better. As one of my coaches recently reminded me: “everything your mind says is a lie”. It’s quite refreshing when you truly apply that.
2- Set your boundaries based on your values and what’s important to you so you no longer attract toxic people
- Do the values exercise if you haven’t already
- Check out the boundaries workbook
I come from a family where the word ‘boundaries’ doesn’t even exist. Privacy is a dirty word. As a child, personal diaries were read and bedroom doors were never allowed to be closed. It’s no wonder that developing healthy boundaries for me was very tough but it is do-able.
If you don’t even know where to start, sometimes reading examples can be helpful, as well as knowing your values. There are many different types of boundaries ranging from emotional, physical and sexual all the way to how others treat your belongings. If you want a real deep dive then this workbook from the Positive Psychology website is a great tool.
3- Apply your boundaries, build self-esteem and learn to say no
- Try self-esteem journaling
- Practice saying no politely – there’s nothing like experiential learning
It’s such a small word and yet, it has so much power. I sometimes wonder why it’s so hard to say no for some of us. I realise some people are very good at saying no but if, like me, you were taught to be a people pleaser then the word no is terrifying.
How you feel about saying no is actually very linked to your boundaries and how aware you are of them. Again, journaling, especially about self-esteem, can help you sort out the moments when saying no feels right for you, whilst giving you confidence. And remember that you can say no perfectly politely and kindly.
Unfortunately, there’s no magic wand and it takes practice. Start by becoming aware of the times when saying no would have been more appropriate for you than yes. If you can then fix it and backtrack then great and if not, then it’s simply a lesson for next time. Be patient and keep practicing. A great way to get support though is to engage your friends. Tell them you’re going to try saying no more often and ask them to call you out when you don’t. You might be pleasantly surprised. Of course, don’t ask the toxic friends …
Final Thoughts for Waving Toxic People Goodbye Once and for All
I’m not going to lie, all of this does take work and a lot of emotion and patience. Many of us want a magic wand so we no longer attract toxic people. Although, you can actually get close enough to having one.
Close your eyes for a minute and imagine who you could magic out of your life if you had a magic wand. Then, depending on who they are, you can practice saying no by telling them that you need a personal break or perhaps time off from social media. Perhaps you need time out for your work or your sport or other hobby?
This is great practice for setting some new personal boundaries … give it a go and see what happens. And remember that any mistakes along the way are a bonus because they are the only way you’re going to learn and to change things for the better.
