As I work through the grieving process for the loss of a dear friend, I’ve become re-acquainted with anger. I used to have major anger issues when I was younger, courtesy of childhood trauma, and so I’d forgotten about that emotion. It feels so primal, so raw. You want to scream, hit something, explode. Mindfulness is such a gift that helps me keep it together and almost view it with curiosity. I remember that people like my parents live in constant anger. It’s the only defence mechanism they have against the hurt and pain they experience. How devastating. How tragic to live like that. 

This took me back a few years and I wondered what I actually did to get over my anger. Of course anger is completely natural and essentially serves to protect us. However, in today’s world, it can quickly get out of control. So how can we control our anger?

1- Deal with the Cause of your Anger

Whether you’re angry at the world because of childhood trauma or you’re angry at yourself, you will need to work through it. It’s not easy but it’s so worth it. There are a wide variety of mental causes including OCD, depression and disorders such as bipolar. Naturally you’ll have to work through some of these with a professional therapist or coach but for some of the milder causes, you can work through various exercises to bring out the anger. Positive Psychology is a great help for this whether you choose to use gratitude, mindfulness or optimism. Naturally, it takes time and practice.

What worked for me, as I often quote, was journaling. However, I also learnt to start reframing things. Yes, I was angry for the way I’d been treated but then again, isn’t that what life’s about? We get some good and we get some bad and that’s how we learn and grow. Isn’t it? What were my lessons from my experience? How did they shape me and make me stronger? The shift was gradual but with time, I realised that I’d actually become a better person because of it…. once, I’d tamed my anger of course. 

2- Exercise and Breathe

It seems so obvious but exercise is a great way to release anger and every other emotion, for that matter. I haven’t mentioned mindfulness for a while but it’s such a great tool to help you step back and observe your anger almost as a third party observer. Breathing through your anger also calms your body because you’re slowing down your breath in the process. This allows you to tap into your parasympathetic nervous system, or calming system, which then allows the anger to dissipate naturally. 

3- Curiosity

Now that I have the tools, it’s actually quite intriguing to watch my anger. I’m still not sure if I’m angry at the universe for taking away my best friend from me or if I’m angry at myself for not being able to save him. Either way, it’s amazing how the muscles tighten, my shoulders hunch in, my breath gets faster and my jaw strains. I can almost feel my heart wanting to explode it’s way out of my ribcage. And yet, watching all of this, somehow helps me get some distance from the emotion. 

I then realise that I’m not helping myself or my best friend who’s gone. Would he want me to be angry? I’m sure he wouldn’t especially as someone who didn’t have an angry bone in his body. Being curious about the emotion and the state of mind that goes with anger, helped me realise just how physical it all really is but that it doesn’t have to be that way. 

Anger isn’t easy to deal with and can quickly feel overwhelming. However, observing it and being curious about it is the first step to understanding it and how it affects you and others around you. It’s then only natural that you’ll slowly start getting a pause in the anger as you breathe more and eventually begin to relax. My final thoughts though are about journaling. It’s one of the best ways to vent our anger without hurting anyone and yet, it saves us from bottling it up.