Have you ever felt lonely and yet surrounded by people and friends? Have you ever felt misunderstood? Perhaps even isolated? And if you’re single, do you feel that there’s perhaps something wrong with you or do you feel content? We all feel loneliness at some point or another. However, dealing with loneliness is possible and there is a way forwards, even if it’s not always easy.

What is loneliness? 

Loneliness comes from one of our basic needs which is the need to belong and to have connections. The feeling of loneliness can therefore come from lack of social contact, lack of emotional intimacy or from the enormity of who are you and why you’re here in this vast universe (Degges-White, 2019).

Loneliness is an emotion which can grow internally from old childhood wounds. The feeling can also be triggered by something external. We then interpret that situation into an internal story and tell ourselves that we are worthless. Our self-esteem crumbles and it turns into a vicious circle. The ‘me’ is crying out for attention, for anything, and to drown that voice we escape through mindless games, Netflix or substances. 

What Causes Loneliness

Circumstances can create the feelings of loneliness such as divorce or loss but low self-esteem or social anxiety can also lead to feeling lonely. However, these feelings can also be our brain’s way of telling us that we need more social contact. We are hard-wired for human connection because that is how we survive. We collaborate and protect each other.

Unfortunately we also have an extra challenge in our modern world. We are surrounded by distractions of technology and which can very quickly push us into isolation without developing the deep connections we crave. We then ‘escape’. It’s easy to be surrounded by superficiality. Understanding the cause of your feelings of loneliness will help you learn to connect again.

Being Single – Lonely or Content?

Many of us are single through choice but many are not. Spending time alone and appreciating yourself is an important part of being at ease with yourself. As is the strength to not succumb to our fears of being alone and settle for any partner that comes along.

This is different to feeling isolated and alone. Those who are single and live alone through choice can often develop very deep and meaningful connections with friends and family. They successfully create a healthy balance of connectivity and alone time. However, it’s not always easy to create those deep connections. 

Sometimes we Need Professional Help

Of course, loneliness can become so intense and so damaging that we need professional help, either from a support group or a therapist. Sometimes dealing with loneliness on our own is just not option. It’s ok to ask for help and we all need it at some point or another. Don’t hesitate to get that help whether professionally or through some of the suggestions below. Loneliness can lead to high levels of stress which in turn can severely damage your health from strokes to cognitive decline, amongst others.

What is Dealing with Loneliness? 

1- Find a Group or Volunteer

The paradox of being online is that you can both feel connected and lonely. Connecting in the right way is key though. Rather than scrolling mindlessly through facebook or other websites, find a like-minded group that you want to engage with. Perhaps you enjoy reading and can join a book club? Perhaps you enjoy debating and can join a toastmaster group? Facebook also has forums on most subjects so search what works for you. Be patient if the first group you try doesn’t work and try others. Be curious and willing to try and you’ll find something that works for you.

In terms of connecting, there is nothing deeper and more meaningful than volunteering. Not only does it help you forget yourself and your inside ‘me’ screaming out for attention but it also gives you something in common with the other volunteers. The conversations become less inane and more about how you’re contributing to those around you which is a beautiful feeling. For me, the experience was also transformative in the sense that I gained a different perspective on life and even death. I felt both grateful to be able to contribute and connected to others.

2- Build your Self-Esteem

Appreciating yourself and your time alone is a skill in itself. Many of us spend our days berating ourselves but practice being compassionate to yourself. It’s ok to tell yourself that you’re lonely and to sit with that feeling. The more you reject the feeling, the louder your internal ‘me’ will scream. Sit with it and practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself and don’t forget self-care.

A great way to connect with your feelings is to journal about them. You can also, more specifically, journal about self-esteem. Another option is to create a self-esteem diary that gives you specific questions for each day of the week. It takes a bit of patience and time to get used to journaling but it is worth the effort. It has been proven that journaling supports our immune system, helps us heal because we label our emotions and it also helps sort out our thoughts (Phelan, 2018). For me, my blog is a form of journaling although of course I still have my own journal. I’m very sure that none of you want that much detail of what’s going in my head … haha.

3- Connect with Nature

The key issue with feeling lonely is that you truly believe that you are the only person in the world feeling like this. It’s heart wrenching. However, it can be a relief to remind yourself that you are not alone. Feeling lonely is in fact a very normal human feeling. Someone somewhere will be feeling the same thing and perhaps they’re even looking at the same patch of sky.

Nature can be deeply nourishing and is a great source of support for dealing with loneliness. Walking in nature or simply noticing the trees and grass around you helps you step back and take perspective and generally helps improve your well-being (Higgins, 2018). My daily walks in nature have been my lifeline through tough times. I realise that many live in cities with less nature but even cities have parks. Simply walking through a city and noticing the trees can also be an enriching experience. Perhaps even smile at people as you walk down the street.

Connecting with nature helps you appreciate that there is something bigger than yourself and that you are not alone. It can even inspire you to be grateful for nature and the sun and the sky above your head. I find it helpful to take this one step further and I write down each day 10 things I am grateful for – 5 about myself and 5 about my external environment. This will also help you increase positive self-talk and you’ll slowly start noticing your mindset change. Try it – you have nothing to lose.

Final Thoughts

Our humanity is what connects us all. To be human is to suffer. As we are are hard-wired to be social beings, we will, by definition, suffer feelings of loneliness at some point in our lives. I know it’s hard but dealing with loneliness is possible. The simple action of getting up and calling a friend or even treating yourself to a meal in a restaurant can reconnect you to the feelings of being alive. And being alive is still a wonderful thing, even with the ups and downs of life.  

References

Degges-White, S (12 July 2019) The 3 Types of Loneliness and How to Combat Them. Psychology Today. [Online] Available here

Higgins, D. (3 October 2018) How nature can help people experiencing loneliness. WildLife Trusts. [Online] Available here

Phelan, H. (25 October 2018) What’s All This About Journaling? The New York Times. [Online] Available here