Do you find yourself taking care of others so much that you forget to look after yourself? Does your need to help others feel overwhelming at times such that you take on their problems? If you struggle to know what you want and what you feel about things that happen to you in life then you might have some codependency traits. You can recover from codependency but it does take time and patience and usually a little bit of help. 

I never realised how deep my codependency ran until it drove my husband away and led to our divorce, several decades ago. It was such a shock to realise that I had no idea who I was, what I wanted in life and even what style of clothes I preferred. My mother had dictated everything for over 20 years and, back then, I knew nothing about myself. In that moment, I felt confused, empty and alone. It was like I’d lost something I never knew I had. 

What Causes Codependency? 

Of course whole books and research papers have been written on this topic. Some psychologists even debate that clinical codependency doesn’t happen as often as the modern world likes to think it does. Without going into all those details, the fact remains that if you feel that you can never have a healthy relationship with people then perhaps you have some codependency. No matter how small, it’s painful to live with and can even drive people away. 

Many families are dysfunctional because parents carry the wounds from their own childhoods. It doesn’t make them bad people but broken people. I once read somewhere that if you feel pity for your care givers then perhaps they imparted some of their trauma onto you. Clearly, that’s a very simplistic view and there’s a lot more that goes into it. Nevertheless, any family with narcissism, anxiety, depression, neuroticism and low emotional expressivity can create codependency. And if you’re not sure where you are on the scale, then check out this questionnaire.

How to Recover from Codependency 

I’m not going to pretend it was an easy journey. In my case, I couldn’t have done it alone and I have some amazing coaches and my group therapy friends to thank and who enabled me to make it through to the other side. Of course, every now and again I can feel the codependency taking hold but at least, I can now recognise the patterns and pause them rather than let them take effect. 

1- Self-esteem

I’ve always been a confident person but it was when I discovered codependency that I realised that my self-esteem was at zero. Essentially, I could walk into a room and believe in my natural skills to talk to people but I didn’t believe in myself. Self-esteem is a deep core belief about who we are but codependents don’t know who they are. The first piece for me was therefore to discover myself. It’s a bit like being a child again and learning about how you fit into the world. 

I’ve mentioned them before but my favourite exercises are the gratitude and strengths exercises. Basically, write 10 things that you like about yourself and 10 strengths that you offer the world. If like me back then, you don’t even know what that means, then check out this list for ideas. 

2- Connect with your Feelings 

A big part of codependency is that you live for other people. I watch my mother doing it today with my sister and it’s literally like my mother can’t survive without my sister needing her. It breaks my heart watching how neither of them can survive without the other for all the wrong reasons. Deep down you’ll know if that’s you partly because you’ll reject this idea. Our inner thoughts always try to protect us from anything that’s perceived as bad. So, ask yourself if there’s anyone that you have an unhealthy relationship with. If your mind is fighting you and telling you that it’s a stupid question then perhaps there’s some truth there… 

Connecting with our feelings for the first time in our lives after several decades of living through someone else’s feelings is one of the hardest things you’ll have to do. It almost feels like you don’t know what’s real anymore and everything feels dreamlike and empty. That’s usually the time you need someone to help you through it especially if, on top of everything else, you’re hard on yourself. Self-care is an important part of healing when we’re trying to recover from codependency but it can also be a completely alien subject. 

Journaling and meditation are some of the best tools although you can also take smaller steps. You might need to think about how to introduce new habits such as taking long walks in nature and connecting with yourself. If nothing else, promise yourself 10 minutes every day to do something that feels good… if in doubt, check out this self-care list of ideas. 

3- Understand your Needs 

Codependents don’t get taught boundaries when they grow up. Usually, a codependent carer creates the traits in their children by being overly controlling, emotional or always right and never wrong. As a result, the child is confused and essentially tries to do everything they can to make the caregiver happy, usually at the cost of their own needs. Therefore, we never learn our needs or how to say no. 

Setting boundaries is hard for codependents. I used to think I was evil if I ever needed space or time alone. Of course, in my childhood house, that never happened but later in life, I thought I was being selfish. As humans, we all have needs though and it’s actually selfish not to honour them because it can lead to lashing out if we bottle up what we need. 

There are actually 5 sets of boundaries that cover physical, emotional, intellectual, sexual and financial. Don’t be too hard on yourself though and don’t expect to be able to just sit down and list them. The best way to start is to journal whenever you feel yourself getting angry at something someone did. That’s often a sign that one of our boundaries has been crossed. Of course, things aren’t always that simple but it’s a starting point. 

The Road to Recover from Codependency

It’s tough, it’s lonely, it’s enlightening and it’s incredible. Either way, finding a way to recover from codependency is liberating. You’ll finally get to discover who you are and what you want in life. Not only that, but you’ll finally be able to cultivate healthy and respectful relationships with people who love you for who you are and not what they want you to be. It’s worth it just for that.