Someone recently said to me that they wished they could just stop getting angry all the time. They just wanted their triggers to stop. They were trying but nothing was happening. I could almost picture them banging their head against a wall of triggers. Learning to respond rather than to react to triggers takes time and patience. Unfortunately there is no switch to just turn them off. However, it is possible to find some breathing space and to manage our emotions. Befriending your triggers is a process that involves awareness and the willingness to accept your dark side. Only then can you grow and move forwards.
What are Triggers?
Triggers can be external situations that create an emotional response within us. Our brains then take the emotion we are feeling and create a story around it. For example, you might feel angry when someone ignores you at a social gathering. Your brain might tell you that you’re worthless and therefore that person isn’t interested in talking to you. Whilst anger might be the primary emotion, the need to belong and feel included is the deeper pain. This sort of pain can come from low self-esteem or perhaps fear of abandonment. Both of these often come from childhood trauma or misunderstood experiences from when we were children.
Another source of trigger is someone who makes us angry or frustrates us. Have you ever wondered why some people just seem to make you angry or impatient? An interesting concept, originally developed by Carl Jung is the shadow. The world is made up of paradoxes and opposites such as yin and yang, day and night and even our own psyche. We all have good and bad behaviours or as Jung called it, a shadow.
Arrogant people used to really trigger me until I started doing the work. I realised that I could also be arrogant and in fact, that behaviour came from a place of fear and insecurity. Having grown up in a dysfunctional family where arrogance and anger were the only ways to make yourself heard, it’s no surprise. However, I worked on building up my self-esteem and I discovered the difference between arrogant and assertive behaviour.
Other common triggers can include emotionally charged events such as anniversaries. However, if you’re not sure, have a look at this list for inspiration.
Where to Start for Befriending your Triggers?
1- Journal
The first step to building awareness is to pause and observe our own behaviour. It can be painful but also very rewarding to journal. It also helps you gain clarity and understand the cause of your triggers and these prompts can help you get started with befriending your triggers. I took this a step further when I went through my divorce and journaled about my lifeline.
The lifeline is a great exercise to help you understand the patterns in your life and where your moods might have been affected by events and / or your behaviours. From that you can then explore the key moments separately which will help you with determining and befriending your triggers. For me, it’s fear of abandonment that comes from boarding at a very young age. I also have the fear of being controlled. That one is courtesy of a neurotic, OCD and controlling mother. Find yours though and you’ll feel such relief. Understanding is the first step.
2- Take a Breath
I know this might sound strange to many but it really does work. When we are emotionally charged, our brains are getting ready for ‘fight-or-flight’. This means that our body is ready to run so adrenalin is pumping and our heart is racing and essentially, calm and logical cognitive thinking has stopped. However, taking some deep breaths can help us reconnect with the calming nervous system, the parasympathetic system, which can get our heart rate back to normal and our stress levels down again as well as our emotions.
Try it, see what happens when someone is angry and you take a few deep breaths and respond calmly. It usually knocks the wind our of their sales as well as making you feel calmer. You can practice this state of mind with, for example, the 3P exercise. When you turn a door handle or flick a switch, take a PAUSE, be PRESENT and feel yourself here in this moment, and then PROCEED. It’s simple but it works.
3- Step Back and Reframe
One of the reasons we get tangled up in our emotions is because the brain tells us that we are centre stage of every situation. Everything is about us. It’s how the brain protects us and makes sure that we are number 1, so to speak. However, it can make communication a little difficult if everyone assumes that they are the most important person in that conversation.
Practice stepping back and being curious about what is happening with the other person. What belief created that person’s reaction? Of course it’s often just a guess but even being curious will help you step out of your own drama. My favourite example is the response that the psychiatrist, Viktor Frankl, gave as to why he was still writing in German, even though it’s Hitler’s language. In his own words:
“”In response, I asked her if she had knives in her kitchen, and when she answered that she did, I acted dismayed and shocked, exclaiming, “How can you still use knives after so many killers have used them to stab and murder their victims?” She stopped objecting to my writing books in German.”
I’m not saying that reframing is easy and like everything else, it takes practice. however, you can help yourself with stepping back by using your senses. Listening to music or smelling candles can help your brain step out of its story long enough to think more broadly. Finally, you can also do the gratitude exercise where you list 10 things you’re grateful for. It’s always easier to be compassionate towards others when you yourself feel grateful and positive. And that’s when you can really be curious, accept reality as it is and almost laugh at your triggers and finally, befriend them.
