It’s hard to avoid taking it personally when people exclude you from a conversation or a meeting or spread blame. This can happen both at work or at home. For example, I grew up with my father constantly being blamed for something. I’ve also worked in multilingual offices across the world for a few decades now and I can still remember the times when people did not stop talking in their native tongue. Sometimes you can actually do a task without necessarily talking about it, however, it’s easy to feel hurt and alienated.

Of course, nothing stopped me from asking people to speak in the common language of that team. However, that’s not always easy when you feel hurt and sad. Also, anyone who speaks several languages knows how much of an effort it is to speak in a foreign language. However, it got me thinking about how often we forget the impact we have on others without realising it. Of course I’m also guilty of it. However, my recent experience at the receiving end was a good reminder to check in on my own bad habits. And it also got me thinking about how I can avoid taking it personally. After all, if we take it personally, then we usually react and create more pain and anger around us. It becomes a vicious circle.

Why do we Take it Personally? 

Our brains are designed to look after us, to protect us and to tell us that we are the most important being in the world. It’s how it’s kept us alive as a species for so long. Our egos, as first defined by Freud, put very simply, tell us that the world revolves around us and therefore everything that people do or say also revolves around us. However, if we all believe that then surely it can’t be true? Right? People are rarely thinking about anyone else but themselves when they think or do anything. And that’s thanks to the ego and how we survive.  However, it is for this very reason that old spiritual teachings guide us to lose the ego. 

This is clearly easier said than done. When we take something personally it’s usually because there has been a trigger deep down within us that makes us react emotionally. It’s painful to take things personally. It basically makes us sad or angry. In my case, when others keep talking in their foreign tongue, I feel sad and hurt. Essentially, my very basic need of being liked and feeling like I belong are not being met. And why am I so sensitive to this need? Years of boarding school and emotional bullying and feeling outcast from a group will do that to most people. But perhaps I can get this need met from somewhere else? A blog for another day …

How can we Avoid Taking it Personally?

1- Picture the Scenario from the Other Person’s Point of View 

Take the assumption that the brain and the ego are working together. This means that you can assume that most individuals’ goal is to meet their needs and express their viewpoint. However, can you now try to be that brain and that person? What does their suffering feel like? What does their worry look like? Imagine their pain and their worldview and see if you can rotate the situation round.

In the case of speaking in a foreign language, people are often nervous and don’t want to look bad in a language they are not comfortable with. Sometimes it can come from fear of not being included therefore speaking in their language helps them feel like they belong. They feel safe. There are many ways of looking at different situations and the more you can see those other views then the easier it is to emphasise with the other person and to forget your own pain and triggers.

2- Loving Kindness & Self-Care 

Taking care of ourselves allows us to relieve stress. We learn to feel our emotions in order to practice letting them go. We step out of our ruminating and anxious minds. For me, this includes my daily walks with my dogs, a cup of green tea contemplating the garden, listening to loud music, lighting a scented candle, meditating and journaling. A powerful meditation in times of hurt and pain is the lovingkindness meditation which I often resort to. However, everyone should find what works for them and here are some other useful suggestions on a blog that I thought might be helpful.

3- Connect with the Emotion and Understand the Trigger 

One of my favourite aspects of mindfulness, whilst also the most painful, is to sit with our emotions and to label them. It’s a bit like when you start describing a nightmare to someone and suddenly it doesn’t feel so bad. There is something about calling a monster a monster that makes it seem smaller. Studies have shown that the amygdala, a gland in the brain responsible for fight or flight reactions, actually decreases in activity when we talk about our emotions. Once we’ve labelled it and described it then often the cause of it also becomes clearer and our unmet need is finally understood.

4- Accept that we are all Human 

We all have our emotions, our pain, our suffering, our anxieties and these often dictate how we behave and act. People’s actions are rarely about us but more about them. The more we can appreciate that and try to connect to others’ pain then it becomes easier to appreciate that it’s not about us. We finally avoid taking it personally. We understand how their suffering created their actions and it is then easier to to feel compassion for them. After all, we are all here struggling to make it through and the majority of us are only trying to do the best we can. 

I often remind myself of the phrase “it is better to be kind than to be right” although, of course, I don’t always manage it. The journey of self-improvement never ends and I often find that once I’ve understood one of my triggers then a new one appears. The deeper we dig then the more we discover. But at least we’re trying and we are constantly learning. And bit by bit the relationship with pain improves and our suffering becomes less.