Our perceptions and expectations cause us so much suffering and yet, we hold onto them because they feel like they’re ours. The mind turns everything we experience into something about ‘me’. Even love which should be one of the most beautiful emotions can be selfish and clingy. The damage we create for ourselves is often far worse than most things we experience. Of course that’s not always the case, regardless, love is often confused and rarely truly experienced. So, what is love if not lyrics from a song?
Love or Insecure Attachment?
If you didn’t already know by instinct, love is complex. It’s fascinated poets, artists, dreamers and stoics alike ever since we’ve been capable of forming language. All of us assume we know love but with around 50% of the population securely attached, does that mean that half of us don’t know how to love? Ok, so take those statistics with a pinch of salt as it only represents the US but still, with so many suffering behind the veils of perception, what is love if not lyrics of a delusion based on our own selfish demands?
As the stoic philosopher Epictetus said: “Whoever then understands what is good, can also know how to love; but he who cannot distinguish good from bad, and things which are neither good nor bad from both, can he possess the power of loving? The power to love, then, belongs only to the wise man.”
Cultivating Wisdom Through Mindfulness
Our mind has to make judgements about the world in order to avoid getting overwhelmed by the constant flow of inputs. We’d go mad if we couldn’t focus on where we were driving, for example, without getting absorbed by every passing car, light, shop, tree, person and so on. Sadly, that also means that we label things and judge them as good or bad. The truly wise move beyond labels and just accept things as they are. Very much like the Buddhists who learn to relate to emotions and situations with ease and equanimity so Acceptance Commitment Therapy teaches you to defuse from thoughts and emotions so that they don’t control you.
Through these mindful techniques, we gradually decrease our clinging and desire for things to be different. We can then simply be present for other people without following our own agenda. Of course, anxious and avoidant-attached people carry heavy pain and suffering with them. Tragically, they get caught in a vicious circle of conditional love because that’s how their trauma started. Healing first needs to happen for wisdom to come through by letting go of desires such that unconditional love can eventually shine through.
A Cocktail of Chemicals
Neuroscience now confirms our gut feeling that love is complex. You might have heard of the love hormone, oxytocin, and there are many others triggered in your brain when you fall in love. In fact, several chemicals linked to the reward system of the brain get released including dopamine and even cortisol, more commonly associated with stress. Knowing all this is also how you can hack your brain and release some of those happy hormones.
Interestingly, people in love also have a deactivated amygdala which decreases their negative emotions. The flip side of this positive is that we also lose our ability to judge wisely so we can truly get lost in love. Whilst all this activity in our brains decreases with time as we develop a deeper love, studies show that even after being together for 30 years, couples still get that same rush of dopamine as they do at the beginning. So, what is love if it isn’t just lyrics? It can clearly run much deeper than superficiality based on trust, understanding and commitment.
How to Cultivate Love
Some might remember Haddaway’s What is Love lyrics that keep saying ‘don’t hurt me’. If someone is abusing you, blaming you or expecting and demanding more than you can give then it isn’t love. On the contrary, this says more about their attachment style and insecurities.
1- Be fully present without judgement or expectations
Again, think about Haddaway’s What is Love lyrics that ask “we are together, I need you forever, is it love?” If you need something external or someone else to live this life, no, it isn’t love. instead, it’s a form of craving and delusion that keeps you out of your body and from living your life.
True love is being fully present and open-minded for someone. Accepting them as they are without judgements, demands, expectations or resistance, as a wise teacher at a recent talk stated. When was the last time you listened deeply to someone suspending all other thoughts? That’s a skill that takes practice but with time you get to see people and yourself with so much more compassion. After all, we’re all human with our flaws and imperfections.
2- Listen to your heart and let go of the ‘shoulds’
Mindfulness is all about stepping out of your thinking mind and connecting with your heart. As you do so, you’ll start noticing the patterns of your thinking. How many times do you tell yourself that you should be this or that? If you do that to yourself, chances are you do that to others. Is it really love if you believe those around you should be something different?
My childhood was based on unconditional love and it took many years of connecting with myself to build my self-esteem. I often recommend the self-esteem journal but it can take months, even years, for the shift to happen. When it does, you get such relief when you hear the voice of judgement and you can finally gently ask it to move along. The most exciting part is when you can also be more gentle with those around you.
3- Ask yourself what you need
If you’re anxiously or avoidantly attached, you’re usually trying to fill a hole by clinging to someone or holding onto your independence too tightly. There’s a lot more going on inside obviously but next time you feel hard done by, ask yourself ‘what do I need”.
If you need attention and nurture, call a friend or go for a walk in nature. If you’re feeling abandoned and fearful, try to ground yourself by breathing deeply or even doing some exercise or housework. It’s amazing how sweeping can be therapeutic. Also, moving around gets you to focus on something else. Studies show the mind can only focus on one thing at a time so why not use that to our advantage and dissipate some fear every now and again?
What is Love and Your Lyrics?
What’s your song of life? We all have stories and lyrics we tell ourselves whether they come with musical notes or not. Everyone can experience unconditional love but it starts with ourselves. If you can’t love yourself unconditionally then you can’t love others unconditionally.
First, cultivate wisdom by healing how you relate to yourself and to others. Take the time to pause, listen to your heart and try to rephrase every ‘should’ that you tell yourself. Don’t be afraid to go for a walk and to look at the sky no matter where you are. Even the most built up city in the world has a patch of sky overhead. And remember, love comes from how your mind relates to the world and to yourself.
To quote the stoics again, Marcus Aurelius this time, “you have power over your mind – not outside events. Realise this and you will find strength”. Use your heart.
