As a good friend of mine recently reminded me, we can’t do this life alone. And I don’t mean that we need to be in a romantic relationship but that we need connections with people regardless of age or background. Reaching out to others is such a fundamental part of who we are as social animals. We rely on each other for protection, advice, support and comfort. And yet, why do some of us find this ‘reaching out to others’ thing so hard to do?
Narcissists and Lack of Community
Having grown up with a narcissistic parent, I learnt that my needs and comfort did not count. I quickly learnt that asking for support meant ‘a slap in the face’. Comments revolved around how I had failed again, how I was making the wrong choices that did not live up to expectations and how so much has already been sacrificed for me that I should just be grateful. Of course not everyone was raised by narcissists but there are varying degrees of this trait. I’m sure many out there will relate to the feeling of failure just by asking for help. In the West, we have a narcissistic culture where everyone fights for themselves. We have lost much of what it means to be part of a supporting community. We just need to be strong and ‘buckle up’.
Why is Reaching out to Others so Important?
I’m always embarrassed to ask others for help even if I’m desperate to talk things over with someone. The same friend nudged me to talk to a friend of hers with a background in coaching and I wondered why anyone would talk to me for free. Is my self-esteem so low that I believe that someone will only help me if I pay them? Yeah, most probably …
And yet, logically I know that both my friend’s friend and me will get something out of it. Something that revolves around being connected. I’m sure someone helped her on previous occasions and I’m sure she keeps learning about life’s different views by talking to me. I guess this is all part of reframing my ‘beliefs’ and retelling the story in mind that I am worthy of people’s time. And I can bring them something too.
And what can we both Gain?
1- Co-Learning
The day we realise that the reality we see is only ours and no one else’s and in fact, no one can see the true, unbiased reality then we all crave to understand the different perspectives out there. And there is no better way than through reaching out to each other and learning about our individual battles.
2- Co-Sharing
Sharing our problems might seem selfish but if we allow others to do so also with active listening then we can sort through our stories together. It almost makes me think of the slightly romanticised view of tribes sharing stories about a fire.
3- Helping each other
There is nothing more rewarding than seeing someone grow and become happier because of something that any of us contributed to.
4- Altruism / open heart
There are many studies to show that doing something for others, without expecting a thank you, brings us joy and happiness.
5- Universal Consciousness
Last but not least, by helping each other we also contribute to the universal consciousness. We help move ourselves as a specie forwards to greater compassion, kindness and love. I love the idea that we are all connected and that our energies all unite to become one which is why they go on forever.
Accessing that universal consciousness is part of what we try to do with meditation and yoga. Just like a wave is individual and moves in its own way but just like us, it is part of the greater whole of the ocean to which it will return. Surely the wave will always try to help the sea and vice versa?
