When you listen to the news or look for information about something, do you always go to the same sources or do you try to find alternatives? As I mentioned in a previous blog, we all have biases and tendencies to summarise the world that can lead to misinterpretations. This is particularly dangerous ground when in a rocky relationship. Nevertheless, you can learn to manage your confirmation bias and stop it leading you down dead-end rabbit holes. 

What is Confirmation Bias? 

As the name suggests, confirmation bias is when you unconsciously look for data and evidence to confirm your existing beliefs. It’s actually one of many ways that brain tries to make sense of the world and to sort the huge amount of information it’s constantly taking in. Whilst they’re useful, cognitive biases usually lead to mistakes and misunderstandings. 

Confirmation Bias in Relationships 

Relationships are the perfect testing ground for these errors in thinking because we tend to be triggered when close to someone else. For instance, if you’ve already decided that your partner is lazy then you’ll only pay attention to all the ways they don’t help around the house. You’ll most likely miss anything positive that they do that perhaps contributes to something else. Moreover, most people have some form of negativity bias so the two together can make for some pretty wild arguments in a relationship. 

Don’t forget that the closest relationship we ever have is with ourselves. How many examples does your inner critic show you on a daily basis where you perhaps made a mistake? Do you ever give yourself the chance to notice all the useful or clever things you also do during a day? If you don’t, then you can imagine what that does your mental state and your chance of feeling happy. 

1- Challenge your mind to look for positives 

Let’s say you’re in a relationship and all you can ever come up with is ways your partner drives you mad. Next time you’re feeling calm, just sit down and write down all their positive qualities. Maybe they don’t help around the house but they’re great at taking the kids off your hands? Then again, they could be emotionally supportive and always there to listen to your problems? Whatever it is, challenge yourself to find at least one thing. 

2- Look for counter evidence to your beliefs

As mentioned, confirmation bias makes our brains look for information that proves our beliefs. What about if you actively looked to disprove them instead? Of course, it takes a bit of courage to do this because admitting to ourselves that we’re wrong about something is never easy. Although, it can also be hugely liberating and sometimes even a relief. 

Strongly held views about anything can be a massive burden. They make us inflexible such that we often end up in arguments with others. I don’t know about you but that just isn’t fun in the long run. So, be brave and look for those counter points whether in different new sources or by asking other people. 

Manage your Confirmation Bias 

Like most things when it comes to the mind, it takes practice, patience and a little bit of courage. We need to be ready to be vulnerable whilst letting go of our beliefs and strong views. Be curious though and see it as a learning opportunity to make things easier for you. And as always, be kind to yourself. You’ll then open up a more flexible view of the world which will make navigating it more manageable. Moreover, you’ll find yourself developing deeper relationships as you cultivate a more accepting view of everyone and their own biases.