Like many of us, I grew up in a world where having a stiff upper lip was applauded. Showing emotions was seen as weak. I’m sure many still feel that way but most of us have come a long way now that we better understand that we need our emotions. In fact, we can’t make decisions without them although we also need to not let them overwhelm us, as I talked about in my previous blog. So, how are emotions and thoughts the key to how we improve our lives?
Now that mindfulness and meditation are becoming more mainstream, so to speak, what have we learnt from these ancient eastern practices? Perhaps that we become more content when we see ourselves as a whole being rather than just as a logic-driven one? After all, isn’t it a wonderful feeling when you’re connected to your instinct and decisions and actions just seem to flow?
I recently re-read the poem If by Rudyard Kipling partly because I wanted to read it with the mind I have today. It’s a poem that was framed and placed above my bed when I was a child and that I would have to read every night before going to bed. I always understood it as meaning that we should put all our thoughts and emotions into a box deep down inside that we lock up and throw away the key.
Today though, I read it with a whole different meaning that I think can help all of us in our everyday lives:
Self Esteem with Never Ending Curiosity to Improve our Lives
“If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you”. We all know that feeling when it seems that everyone is against us or that we feel that we’ve done something wrong. Then again, if you’ve followed your values then you’re actually living better than most. We often get swayed by what other people think but we are our own moral compass and best guide for how to improve our lives.
The trick is to become aware of your thoughts patterns and to be curious about them. Do you tend to go to extreme thinking? What about all or nothing thinking? Another one is when you feel like a failure so you must be a failure. Is that really evidence driven though? All of these thought patterns are often referred to as distorted thinking. You can either rephrase or remove them completely from your mind with practice. Try coming up with facts rather than just conclusions to build up your self-esteem. Also remember what you are good at and what you contribute to the world. We often over focus on our negatives.
Thoughts Do Not Define Us
“If you can think but not make thoughts your aim”. I love that phrase. Most of us are addicted to our own mental stories. Somehow by replaying the painful ones in our heads, we give them importance and meaning. It then all becomes about me, myself and I. Now that’s addictive because then the world must revolve around us. Kipling knew this and was trying to warn us to keep our humility and generate a healthy distance from our thoughts.
Of course that’s easier said than done. Cognitive defusion is a lovely technique to create space with our thoughts. It’s really quite simple. You essentially say to yourself when experiencing extreme emotions phrases like: “I have the thought that I’m good for nothing” instead of “I’m good for nothing”. With time, you won’t attach so much importance to the thought and you’ll be able to observe it and let it go more easily.
Accept that Challenges are Part of Life
“And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss”. He makes it sound so easy. As someone who was born in 19th Century Bombay and who then went to boarding school where he was bullied, I’m sure Kipling knew about emotional pain. He is so right though. We only create suffering by attaching ourselves to our successes and material goods. The more we can let them go, the easier it biomes to deal their losses become easier. Having said that, the whole poem oozes about challenge and that life is tough.
The unforgiving minute, the truth twisted by knaves and not letting anyone be able to hurt you …that’s where I got my message of ‘stiff upper lip’. In fact, now I see it more as acceptance. A powerful technique to improve our lives.
Life is tough but It’s not About You
It’s actually just a flow of events that happen regardless. How you interpret them is what can make you miserable or content such that we improve our lives. I know that’s hard to read but in a way, it also makes things easier. No one is out to get you but instead, they’re all struggling with their own stuff. So, next time you come up against a challenge, try to see it from someone else’s point of view. Do they see the same issue? Is it as bad as you say it is? That’s not to say that some challenges are clearly tougher than others but regardless, how we approach them makes all the difference.