We all lose something or someone at various points in our lives. Last week I lost my companion and best friend and I began thinking about how we process grief. Humans seem to be the only creatures who cry tears to get rid of built up stress hormones whereas animals seem to have them for the sole purpose of lubricating their eyes. And yet we’ve all heard stories of elephants mourning their dead as well as house dogs feeling confused after the death of a companion. We all feel the void that’s left behind after the loss of someone we were close to. And yet surviving loss is possible.

What is Grief?

What’s perhaps less appreciated, especially in some of our cultures of “get on with it”, is that we go through the feelings of grief for many things and not just after death. We grieve after a divorce or separation, we can grieve after the loss of a house that symbolises family or after the loss of a job or even someone moving away. In fact, any major change can create feelings of grief. These can be more or less intense but they are just as valid. 

Why can change be such a source of grief? Is it because we cling on to things that were? Is it because we wish for something that can never be? Perhaps the loneliness of grief becomes something to hold onto instead? As buddhism teaches us, clinging is a key source of suffering. Instead, we can learn to practice acceptance of things as they are, including their impermanence.  

A Disrupted Routine

Life changes can disrupt our routine and our relationships. Surviving loss isn’t just about learning to accept these changes. It’s also about adapting and adjusting our routines and how we view life. Some life changes can be so disruptive that we find ourselves questioning our core beliefs. And self-identity is something that we all naturally cling onto. Our very language and society drives us to hold onto our identity. It can therefore be terrifying when it falls apart and we are no longer the spouse, best friend or sibling who lives next door. 

What can we do for Surviving Loss?

Take your Time & Sit with your Emotions

It’s so painful but it’s better in the long run if you sit with your emotions. Sometimes even naming them can be helpful. Just as a nightmare becomes less scary when you talk about it so emotions lose their impact when you name them. Talking out loud about them or journaling will have a huge positive impact. Through the process you’ll also continue to build your resilience.

Admittedly though, last week, I couldn’t even lift a pen, let alone write or read. It’s funny how grief makes you lose all energy as you become so overwhelmed with the pain. I did manage to sit with my emotions though, whilst sitting in nature. There’s something therapeutic about staring at a green canopy of trees or watching the birds fly by. Somehow it’s as if they’re listening to your pain and holding your hand as you let the emotions just be. 

Accept that things Change

I love this article asking for “closure on closure”. I always wondered what people meant by closure. No, I can’t forget that I loved my husband once upon a time before my divorce and still care about him. I also definitely can’t forget that my boyfriend previously passed away and neither my grand-father some years ago or my grand-mother before that again.

It is such a relief to think that we can learn to accept the pain and the change but it doesn’t mean we have to forget. Those souls will always be in my heart and I can learn to live with that. Reconciliation with that reality seems so much more palatable than closure. 

Although of course accepting that nothing is permanent involves another level of understanding. It’s quite simply terrifying. Impermanence means that you can rely on nothing to stick around. However, it is also the very fragility of life that enables us to appreciate it. The idea of change can also give us hope that things can improve. For me, I find it helpful to reframe and look for the positives, however painful it is at first to step away from our grief. Whatever we are grieving, there are still things to be grateful for. However, take your time and don’t force it.

Talk About It

Of course talking to others is an obvious thing to do. If you’re like me, though, you want to withdraw from people when you’re in pain. However you can surround yourself with a handful of people who get your pain and who can listen kindly and without judgement. Whether we like it or not, it is cathartic to talk about what we have lost because it allows us to process it and eventually make room for a new way of living.

I’m not saying the pain will go away but pain is a part of life. Perhaps we need pain so we can appreciate the good times or perhaps it’s to make sure that we keep questioning and learning about who we are and what we want in life. Either way, don’t do what I did when I first felt intense grief after divorce and decided to opt for oblivion. Going off the deep end makes the journey more painful in the long run. I can assure you that picking yourself up from the floor when you’re in tiny pieces involves far more than just dealing with feelings of grief and surviving loss.