The overwhelming feeling of being lost during and after divorce is almost like you’re in a rowing boat in choppy waters with no oars and no sight of land. It truly feels like you’re being battered from side to side without any hope of control. The loss of identity and meaning in life is powerful and devastating. I would burst into tears simply by walking out of the house. Being surrounded by all those people who look like they have everything in control was terrifying. Finding yourself after divorce is tough and it took me a long time. Although perhaps I never truly knew myself before. 

Loss of Identity

The most painful realisation for me was my loss of identity. Who was I as a single person? What did I even like or enjoy doing? It almost feels as if someone has cut away a piece of your soul. You feel naked going to parties with no one by your side. Suddenly nothing has meaning and you wonder why you’re here. Finding yourself after divorce isn’t just about moving on. It’s also about rediscovering your self-identity.

Self-identity is an important part of being human. This is something we develop as we grow up  into adolescence through various influences, including social interaction, according to Erikson. When we get married, we generally gravitate towards people who believe and uphold that identity so when they leave and ‘abandon’ us, it’s almost as if that identity was wrong. It has failed us. Of course, that’s the brain making a dangerous conclusion in order to try to protect us. The brain sees: something went wrong, our emotions are through the roof therefore let’s not be that person again. With time and perspective, we can see wider than that conclusion but we need to rebuild ourselves before we have the confidence to do that. 

How to go about finding yourself after divorce: 

1- Accepting change and understanding your skills 

Your self esteem is shattered and, if like me, you didn’t have much before then you’re in a world of pain and confusion. I know it’s irritating when people say “one step at a time” but it really is true. Also, it’s important to remember that the brain focuses on negative emotions more easily than positive ones so sometimes we have to force ourselves to remember our strengths. Being grateful for what we have and what is constant can also help us stop focusing on what we are losing and what is changing. And a useful list to work through includes listing your achievements and finding things you love about yourself.

2- Being curious about the pain and what it can teach us 

Getting divorced was the best experience of my life, although I didn’t realise it at the time. It started me on my journey to mindfulness and meditation. Without it, I would never have questioned how I reacted to people and situations. I would never have spent the time to understand my pain and the cause of it. I would never have learnt to be brave to just try things because, at the end of the day, everything changes. Nothing is forever. 

3- Being Selfish

Isn’t it great that you can finally do all those things you wanted to do? All those compromises are gone. You can finally start those hobbies you’ve been thinking about for ages. I know it takes a while to truly believe that but I could now go out with my friends till whatever time of night. I could meet interesting new people and be centre of attention. I didn’t always have to explain about ‘my other half’. It’s liberating. 

4- Friends – they can help you rediscover yourself 

Reconnecting with friends and even getting feedback from them can be therapeutic. People always see you differently when you’re a couple versus being single. Ask them what the differences are. What skills and traits in you stand out now? Was anything being eclipsed before? 

5- Take a break … Find your Priorities

Divorce was the most eye opening experience for me due to my codependency  with my mother. It was therefore a long journey of connecting with my values and beliefs and finding out about myself. I literally had to start at square one as I’d never done this for myself as a developing child. If this is you, the wheel of life can be a great way to start and sometimes this also means getting away from it all to take time to think. Of course, if like me, you find yourself facing deeper issues then help is sometimes necessary whether through coaching or therapy. I constantly have to remind myself that asking for help is a sign of strength. Only by accepting ourselves as human with vulnerability can we hope to grow.