As I broke up with yet another boyfriend, I conjured up images of what married life might look like if I hadn’t asked for divorce several decades ago. I began wondering if I would ever find someone like my ex-husband. Not that I would want to be with him again but something about the glow of those memories makes it easy to be nostalgic. But then I realised that my brain was conveniently lumping several issues together. If it hadn’t been for my divorce, I might not have believed I was codependent. Therefore, my journey of self-healing and personal growth might never have started. I now realise I am over my divorce. However, I’m still learning how to have a non-codependent romantic relationships where both partners respect each other equally. 

So how do I know I got over my divorce? I don’t talk about it anymore. It sounds simple but ‘divorce’ governed my thoughts for years and my pain was clearly visible. I would even call my bosses by my ex-husband’s name in some weird freudian reality. I’ll never forget that heart wrenching pain that makes you want to punch walls, even walk to the ledge … but now it’s just another experience that happened to me. I’ve since had boyfriends I’ve truly enjoyed being with. We just simply drifted apart due to geographies and different goals in life. Of course everyone can be nostalgic once in a while and whilst I’m happy to hear updates about my exes, I won’t go searching for them on facebook. It’s funny how much we learn if just observe our facebook habits. 

How did I get over divorce? 

1- The 5 stages of grief

Divorce creates huge loss in someone’s life. It’s not only about the loss of identity but also about losing someone to share with all the little things that happen during the day. You potentially lose a whole family as well as a history and the rituals, traditions and inside jokes. Like grief though, these stages go in loops and twirls and you might finally be getting to the end when something triggers you and you’re right back at the beginning. 

2- Reclaiming my life – Values and Purpose Exercise

The most important part for me was relearning what was important to me. Did I want children? What were my values and was I living them? What did I really want to do with my life? I realised that I’d never answered these questions for myself but that they came decided by ‘our couple’ … I could now finally work things our for myself. I could be selfish. And yet somehow also more inclusive of others because I wasn’t so focused on ‘the couple’. 

3- Intrinsic Motivation – balance 

When I started looking at my values and what I wanted in life, I realised that I’d stopped doing the things I loved. I hadn’t danced for so long, nor had I gone to a music gig. And yet I claimed that music was my life. Many of us float through life following extrinsic motivation, such as getting paid or getting good results, but it’s the intrinsic stuff that really gets us going. To do something for the sheer love of it, is exhilarating. And yet I’d forgotten all about that and my life was completely out of balance. 

4- Storytelling & Mindfulness

Our brains create and hold onto stories. The trick is to make new and positives ones. Having said that, I’ll never forget the look in my friends’ eyes when I told them we were separating. They were devastated and weirdly, I had to support many through this change in the group dynamic. Creating positive self-talk and building a story about the future that’s positive for everyone is therapeutic and mentally supporting. Clearly being mindful of our self-talk is also key. Of course, I was very lucky to have a kind and understanding ex. 

5- Support & Help 

I couldn’t have gone through it all without the codependency group meetings or without my coach at the time. It was a devastating experience and whilst of course, there is worse out there, the confusion and loss of identity that divorce creates is debilitating. And I hope my experience can help others. 

Looking back, part of me would not wish this pain on anyone. But part of me also sees it as one of my most valuable experiences. Without it, I would not have had the courage to take the risks I did, nor to learn the lessons I needed. In fact, I’m forever grateful to the experience and for the kindness of my ex.