We all suffer from lack of self-confidence at some point in our lives. Even those arrogant people that we often have to suffer have insecurities. In fact, the arrogance is often a mask for inner fears. We should be proud of our vulnerabilities as they make us human. Being true to our selves and at ease with our vulnerabilities is a sign of true strength. However, many of us are taught the opposite when growing up. We therefore tremble at the mere thought of speaking in public or simply talking to certain people. 

This was very much the case for a late 30s man I had the privilege to coach some years ago. He was doing well in his job and had a balanced family life. On paper, he had every reason to have self-confidence but found that certain people intimidated him, especially at work. Interestingly, he hated what he perceived to be people ‘sucking up’ to the boss and thought they were just talking for the sake of talking. Of course that happens everywhere and I’m sure we can all relate. However, there was no reason why he could not treat these intimidating humans, or senior people, just like any other person. After all, they also have their fears and insecurities. 

1- Personal Inventory of Strengths 

He had put all those so-called ‘intimidating’ people on a pedestal and assumed that anything he had to say was ‘small-talk’ and ‘unworthy’. We therefore had to rebuild his inner belief system that he had something interesting to say and to offer. By clarifying his strengths, he could believe in himself and build his self-confidence.

A psychologist would tell you that this self-limiting belief comes from childhood or a traumatic experience. However, in coaching, it almost doesn’t matter where these things come from. We are looking to build on the positives that we all have in us. We might have to reframe some of our self-criticism but we are essentially looking toward the future. 

There are many different questionnaires and tests available although a popular one, (and it’s free!), is VIA Character Strengths Inventory. Another option is to review feedback from those around you although of course, this will come influenced by their own biases. My favourite book though is the Strengths Book . This book very clearly summarises different strengths and what people with those strengths like to do as hobbies and as jobs. It’s a great guide! 

2- Visualisation & Change your Self-Talk 

I’m sure you’ve all heard the phrase “you feel the way you think”. It’s an annoyingly easy concept and yet surprisingly hard to actually do. We are hard-wired to focus on negative thoughts. That is how our brain helps us look for danger that we need to protect ourselves from. 

A great technique is visualisation meditation. You can also simply visualise yourself in front of a crowd or those ‘intimidating’ people as the confident person you want to be. Imagine all those strengths you just listed oozing from you and surrounding you as a glowing halo of calm and self-confidence. It’s a huge help that our brains can be tricked and are not entirely sure of the difference between seeing something and imagining something …

And so, every time your brain sends you a little message “your chat is uninteresting”, let’s rephrase it: “actually, it is interesting and I know that because people come and ask me for advice” and “I can’t please everyone and that’s ok too”. 

3- Plan, Prepare, Practice 

The unknown usually increases our anxieties and fears. It sounds obvious but the more we practice then the more we feel prepared to cope with different scenarios. And so that’s what we did. A great technique coaches often use is the ‘empty chair technique’ where you imagine the person, in this case the one you’re intimidated by, and you give your speech or talk to ‘them’. You then embody them and practice what they might say to you. As you embody that person, you also connect with their humanness and their flaws. After all, no one is ‘better’ than anyone else. We just have different things to offer. The key is to find what those are and how to leverage them. This is how a coach can be most helpful, in terms of finding that clarity and having someone believing in you. 

Even if you’re unsure about what you want, you can always email for a free consultation to test if you would want to work together. Either way, I’ll still try to point you in the right direction where I can… my goal is to help others in whatever format.