As I watched my dog discover waves for the first time, I wondered about our own waves of our lives. My dog was fascinated by each wave and stared so intently before diving at it, trying to catch it. She’d lick the froth and then wonder where it all went. It all seemed so familiar … the ups and downs of our lives that we get consumed by, the stories we tell ourselves and then one day, we wonder where they went and what really happened. How can we build the strength of character to accept all this?
The Waves of Life
One of my favourite quotes came to mind, by Jon Kabat-Zinn: “You can’t stop the waves but you can learn to surf them”. I’ve always loved the water and its mystery. It’s both a safe cocoon and a formidable beast. It’s a bit like life really. You never know which wave is going to hit you. The more you fight them, the more they engulf you. That beautiful paradox – you have to embrace suffering in order to ease it. You have to accept the waves in order to build strength of character.
Attitude to Our Reality
We have to accept our reality in order to be able to face it and do something about it. We have to feel our emotions and feelings, label them, watch them and accept them. Then allow yourself to be compassionate. Easier said than done of course. Some things are just wrong. Some pain goes beyond words. Some pain exists that I don’t know that I could deal with. I read Viktor Frankl’s words and wonder if I could hold onto the right attitude in a place like a Nazi concentration camp: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” He’s an inspiration! But how do you build this strength of character? Although, hopefully not in such extreme conditions.
Finding Purpose
Viktor Frankl launched logotherapy and the need for a purpose, a meaning to our lives, regardless of what pain or trauma we have to deal with. In fact, many use that trauma to help others, very much like Frankl did. It still takes huge depth of character to make that choice and to see the positive from such experiences as Frankl’s. You need strength to find something bigger than yourself that you can aim for, especially if you don’t know if it will ever end.
How do we build strength of character or resilience?
1- Awareness – pausing and learning to observe can help us understand our patterns and behaviours. We can change the bad habits and develop healthy coping strategies that impact all areas of our life. With awareness, we can improve our approach to self-care, for example, by not over-eating or over-drinking. We become kinder to ourselves and step out of our thoughts. We stop being overwhelmed by our thoughts but on the contrary, are aware of them.
The first step to cultivating awareness is to fully use your senses to be in the present moment. A great exercise is the 5-4-3-2-1 = pause, breathe and name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste.
2- Practice patience and forgive yourself – we are often hard on ourselves, especially when we have negative experiences – I’m not good enough, I deserve to be hurt, etc, etc … how I hate those phrases that rattle around in my head. But just pausing and pretending a friend is talking to you. Would they be critical or caring and encouraging? Mistakes happen, or sometimes shit just happens. It’s ok to accept that. We make amends and move on.
3- Gratitude – the simple of act of finding 5 things everyday that we are grateful for can help us reframe our negative view of life. Writing it down is also powerful as it allows us to stop and appreciate them properly.
4- Altruism – we gain perspective of our own issues. Research also shows that altruistic acts increase our happiness and self-worth.
5- Ask for help – of course some trauma absolutely needs professional help but for some of us, just reaching out to others and feeling that we have a support group around us is also key to helping us move on.
