How well do you know your emotions and how your thoughts impact you? Do you live in a world of distractions where you’re always looking to buy the next new thing? What about truly understanding how others see you? We can spend an inordinate amount of effort learning to navigate our emotions but that can also lead us to self-absorption rather than self-awareness.
What is the Dark Side of Self-Awareness?
Most of us can probably imagine how over-thinking thoughts and feelings can lead you into a rabbit hole of navel gazing. You can probably sense it with some people who only ever talk about how hard it is to deal with their thoughts and feelings. Interestingly though, they don’t actually want to do anything about them except enjoy complaining about them.
Most Western cultures are driven by egoism and self-identity. On the flip side, Buddhism and other Eastern approaches teach us that the self is an illusion. We can therefore cultivate the concept of non-self by learning to let go of desires and thoughts. It doesn’t mean that we’re empty or that we’re nothing. Instead, it means that we can finally uncover our true essence.
This paper does a great summary and comparison of the two ways of thinking and how cultivating non-self can lead to happiness. By simplifying our lives and practising mindfulness and the non-self teachings, you naturally stop making everything about ‘me’. You finally appreciate more deeply than ever that you control very little in this life, if anything at all.
This is in stark contrast to the Western view that we should be fully aware with strong identities about who we are. Whilst all of that is very helpful to function in the world, a wiser stance is to balance it with a non-self practice. This makes us less demanding of others, less critical of ourselves and generally more accepting and compassionate.
Compare gaining self-awareness to achieve your own goals to achieving an equanimous, compassionate non-self? I know which one I’m striving for.
How to Approach Self-Awareness
So, how can we have a more balanced approach? Some mention emotional intelligence which involves self-awareness but also empathy, personal accountability and motivation towards your own goals. Already, that list feels more complete because it includes understanding your environment. After all, if we don’t care about others and blame them when things go wrong rather than take stock of our interpretations, are we really being wise?
Then again, most people are aiming for happiness rather than wisdom. Perhaps not realising how intertwined they are is the common mistake people make? If you consider the ego constantly desiring things and people in the external world over which it has no control then no wonder more people are miserable. Instead, a wise person accepts that things and people don’t bring happiness but an internal state of mind along with being in the present moment do.
All of this is why Buddha, amongst other Eastern thinkers, promotes meditation and mindfulness. If you’re truly experiencing the world through your senses other than your mind, you step out of your story even if only for a moment and pause all those negative thoughts.
Some Recommendations to Try Out
What else can you do to gain more balanced self-awareness?
1- Balance internal self-consciousness with your senses
My favourite concept from Buddhism is that our mind is just another sense. The question now is why do we use only that sense to view the world just like a dog uses his nose? It sounds so simple but tuning into our other senses forces us to pause our thinking. We connect with the body which also helps us listen to our emotions. How and where do you feel those emotions in the body before you’ve attached a story to them?
Remember that the ego makes everything about us so as soon as our minds get hold of an emotion, it’s suddenly ‘our’ emotion and no one feels this way. Is that really the case though?
2- Use your values to guide you
I often mention the values exercise because to know yourself, you also need to know what you live by. This will then help you understand what you can offer to the world. It is devastating to me that so many people do a job they feel miserable.
Of course, it isn’t easy to change our situations but with a bit of planning and a strong growth mindset, more things are possible than you can imagine. First, you have to overcome your fear of course. Again, that’s where Buddhism supports that with its death meditation. With Death sitting on your shoulder, you tend to be more willing to give things a go.
3- Get feedback
It’s all very well getting to know ourselves but how far off are you in terms of what other people see? Our minds are very clever at hiding our blind spots from us but everyone else can see them.
So, ask people you trust what they see in you without getting defensive. What can you then learn and apply from that feedback? Then again, don’t forget that everyone brings their spin to any feedback they give so it’s good to ask more than one person.
Although, make sure you don’t have overly self-absorbed people in your life as that feedback will say more about them than you. As Dr. Chloe describes these come in many forms from the bully to the negative and overly demanding. The key is to surround yourself with positive people. They won’t be perfect but they’ll accept you for who you are.
What’s Next For You?
Self-awareness is important so that we can better manage our emotions and understand our moods. Nevertheless, it’s more powerful if it’s balanced with mindfulness and being present through your senses as well as being guided by your values. Don’t forget to surround yourself with positive people who you can trust to give you honest and grounded feedback.
Overall, our aim is to be happy. You can only truly do this if you let go of desire and avoid attaching importance to your thoughts. As Sam Harris quotes in his book, Waking Up, “it is by ceasing to cling to the contents of consciousness – to our thoughts, moods and desires – that we make progress”.
