I watched my friend check my gate on my behalf the other night and I suddenly realised that I trust her more than myself to make sure the lock is secured. Is my self-esteem so low that I can’t even believe that I can lock a gate properly? Do I still have that much work to do on building my self-esteem? And then suddenly my father’s voice echoed through my head, “you fool, another mistake of lack of care and attention”. Ok, so that’s slightly lost in translation from French but suddenly it all clicked. I used to get yelled at for not paying attention enough and making careless mistakes. And we’re talking missing a carry over number in a multiplication sum, not exactly the end of the world. Then again, working on maths was the only thing I really did in those days. 

OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) is a complex disease and there are many theories as to what might cause it. The fact remains that I needed my friend’s help to pick me up to get me out of my checking loop that night. It used to be so debilitating that I’d cancel whatever it was i’m supposed to be going to. Now I manage it through meditation and personal work but some days are still hard. This work is all part of building my self-esteem and I can feel it growing like a little flower which is beautiful feeling. And so refreshing and a little surreal.

Lack of Self-Esteem

So, does self-esteem fuel OCD or does it cause it or is it just a vicious circle? I’m not really sure. However, as I think back to a conversation a few days before where I felt myself inwardly curling into a little ball for just not being good enough, it’s pretty clear my self-esteem still has it’s moments. And yet, intellectually, I know that shouldn’t be the case. I have many achievements but I grew up with a narcissist who reminded me constantly that they were just not good enough. 20 years later, I’m still being reminded that my university degree result could have been better.

Building Self-Esteem

So how do we build our self-esteem? We live in a world that is always testing our self-esteem as we are constantly being compared on social media. However, we need to move away from social media and find inner motivation and self-love. Today, I get glimpses of that and I know it’s within reach and I can see the OCD fading away. There is hope but it takes time and support, whether professional or personal. 

1- Building Self-Awareness

… to understand one’s level of self-esteem — do you find it difficult to say no to people? Can you assert your boundaries? 

2- Change your Inner Beliefs

Many of us hold onto beliefs from childhood such as “I’m unworthy”, “I’m unlovable” but we can rephrase these. A great exercise is to write each belief on one side of a piece of paper and use the other side to describe a counter example. Think about the friends you have or what one of these friends might say they like about you.

3- Making Amends

Accepting that we’re not perfect is part of building self-esteem because we have to be honest with ourselves. Of course we’ve made mistakes and hurt people around us. But realising that and understanding that we have improvements to make on ourselves also helps build self-respect. After all, you’re working on yourself which is a brave thing to do and something to be proud of.

4- Self-Care

A business coach once said to me years ago to be kind to myself. I had no idea what he was talking about. I now know that it’s about forgiving ourselves and giving ourselves time to feel our emotions. Not to identify with them and become victims but just to be human. It also means to give ourselves healthy breaks and not try to be perfect. It’s about finding healthy coping strategies to deal with pain and stress. 

5- Meditate and Be Mindful

Both these techniques help us see the world and ourselves as we are and not as we wish them to be. It also allows us to view our emotions with a small space between us so that we can see them as just that: emotions. We are not our emotions and we are not our thoughts. We learn to let go and accept ourselves for who we are.