As I got ready to immerse myself into 9 days of meditation, silence and most importantly, no beer or wine, I was suddenly nervous. Could I really have dinner without a glass of wine? Could I really meditate for that long during the day? My mind was already screaming and I hadn’t even started. Why do we do this to ourselves? Although naturally, I’m now planning my next one and I’m perhaps loving my 3 lessons from the retreat a little too much. After all, we’re supposed to give up clinging to things but hey, I’m still human.

Why go on a retreat? 

My first session with the teacher was 4 days into the retreat so I’d had time to go from wanting to kill myself to loving myself and the world and then back again to wanting to drink the drinks cupboard dry. It’s such an odd experience to go through the wheel of emotions in so many twists and twirls. And with nothing to distract us? Nothing to make us forget for a minute or two? No escapism at all… pfffff. 

Of course the teacher simply laughed. Yes, this is quite normal. So why do this in the first place? Unfortunately, it’s annoyingly hard to explain as it’s something you can only really understand through experience. Yes I can tell you that training our minds to better manage our emotions and thoughts will help understand and change our habits. We will grow as individuals and be more connected with ourselves and others around us. We will be calmer and more ethical beings. I could go on … and whilst all of these reasons all sound very lovely and logical, it’s hard. 

Can you expect immediate results?

I wish I could say yes but no, meditation doesn’t just fix things and there is no immediate result. However, if you’ve been meditating, even for a short time, you just know that you’re changing for the better. Somehow your reactions aren’t so quick and aggressive. You feel a bit more at peace and it’s easier to take a step back from situations. Luckily we also now have neuroscience that shows us that meditation helps rewire the brain and can help us find inner happiness. And yes, as our teacher explained “meditation is the one activity that is the most likely to be avoided and postponed”. It does take a certain amount of determination and motivation to carry on. Of course, support from a community also makes a huge difference. 

What are my 3 lessons from this retreat? 

As our teacher, Patrick Kearney, who was a monk for several years in Myanmar and Thailand before disrobing and becoming a teacher back in Australia, explained, a retreat is a marathon for training the mind. Everything we do on a retreat, in this case the beautiful Sasanarakkha Sanctuary in Malaysia, is observing it’s movements and patterns. And here are some of my observations summarised into 3 lessons I got from this retreat which I’m sure some of you will relate to:

1- Letting go of control and perfectionism 

During one of our seated meditations, I suddenly heard a loud rustling in the bush in the garden to my side. I instantly thought, it’s ok, it’s just a squirrel and it will be gone soon. I can sit through this without opening my eyes. I can do this. But then I heard my dog come cruising down the steps from the house with a deep growl forming. I then heard a loud bark as she hurled herself into the bush. By that stage, I could no longer take it and I opened my eyes. Unbelievably, one of those huge birds we get here in Thailand, the greater coucal, had managed to get caught in the bush! Luckily he escaped before my dog arrived. Phew. 

As I returned to my mediation, however, my mind exploded in self-judgement. I can’t do this meditation thing, I should just give up now, I’ll never be perfect, you’re such a failure, etc, etc … I know it sounds crazy but I actually had tears rolling down my cheeks. But Patrick reminded me of one key thing – don’t take meditation so seriously. View it as a game of curiosity – what is the mind doing? Also, we can’t control our thoughts so how can you possibly control meditation? It’s so absurd it’s actually funny. And so I practiced compassion meditation the next time we sat together. I reminded myself to let go of judgement, control and perfection and to simply observe and enjoy the world for what it is. It was such a relief! 

2- My Habits of Desire 

I always thought that the hardest part of a retreat was having no beer or wine. It was therefore so fascinating to me that I actually didn’t miss it. I had never realised that I reach for a glass of something completely out of habit and that most of the time, I don’t even want it. 

Of course there are those times when I do want to escape. However, I learnt that it’s more interesting to watch those moments and try to understand what we’re trying to escape. In my case, it was loneliness and the feeling of not belonging to any community. It’s odd but it’s true that facing that truth does make it less painful. It also highlighted to me that I had potentially finally found my community. And, the most important part is that it seems to have cured me of Netflix – I’ve actually cancelled my subscription!

3- Who’s in Charge? 

Many of you might have heard of the Buddhist concept of not-self or perhaps the idea that the ego causes suffering. Therefore, lose attachment to ‘self’, just like to anything else you desire, and you’ll find peace and happiness. Whilst I understood this conceptually, I had never experienced it. And then suddenly, I did. 

It suddenly clicked that we are literally a bundle of thoughts, emotions, feelings and sensations, all of which come and go according to various external triggers around us. It’s a bit like an automatic car changing its gears for you. But have you ever been on a hill in an automatic car? Have you ever noticed how it struggles because it has the wrong gear? The great advantage of manuals is that you can switch to a lower gear to get up the hill even though the engine is over-revving. 

So if we’re all essentially happening automatically then who’s in charge? If only we had the answer to that question! Although, if we have truly managed to lose our attachment to our idea of self then the question doesn’t matter anymore. We are simply above it all and are part of the universe as another piece of energy doing its bit to support the greater good. We no longer play games or try to be something else – we simply are. It’s almost too simple and yet, what a journey to embark on. So, yes, this is only the beginning with my 3 lessons from this retreat and the journey is yet to continue. It will be painful, exciting, wonderful and terrifying but oh so definitely worth it. Good Luck!