I feel very lucky to have many friends going through various stages of recovery or breakdowns. From an ego point of view, it helps me feel connected that I’m not that different. But mainly, it means that we are all at various stages of awakening and we can share our stories. As a friend of mine recently said “I truly believe that you will find awakening after you hit rock bottom”. And so why compassion? We need it for ourselves to get through that rock-bottom moment but it’s also very linked to us losing our world-view lens and seeing a new perspective. 

What is Compassion? 

Whilst empathy is about understanding someone’s else’s pain, compassion is about wanting to ease it. We are often harsh with ourselves and listen to our inner critic but imagine an encouraging voice rather than a judgemental one? Wouldn’t you be more willing to get up and try again if you had a kind voice telling you that mistakes happen but you learn and can do better next time?  

In mindfulness, we often refer to compassion as either “loving-awareness” or “kindfulness”. I recently heard from Andy on Headspace “it takes courage to be kind”. It’s a great phrase because of course it does as it involves letting go of our own issues. It means that we have to be open and ready to support the other person but we have no idea how they’re going to react. The uncertainty can be scary. Some people don’t know how to respond to kindness often due to their own past traumas. 

But…this is all very well… we must first start with ourselves. 

Why Compassion?

There is more and more research showing that self-compassion is connected to well-being, health and general happiness. With self-compassion, we are much better equipped to be compassionate to others and to therefore develop a better understanding and connection to those around us. As humans, we need connectivity to survive but we all know how hard any relationship of any form can be. 

Self-compassion

Self-Compassion has 3 core elements: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. By developing self-compassion, we learn to reframe our inner critic and we learn to allow ourselves to feel our different emotions. Rather than judging them, we can connect to them and use what they are telling us to change our hard-wired habits. We learn to understand our human suffering. 

And therefore, we gradually realise that others have their own suffering. Suddenly we see everyone doing the best they can with the tools they have. We almost want to help them improve their tools and perhaps enable them to even see the light. Because after all, we are all one. We are part of one consciousness and so helping someone else helps us and others in the future. 

How to develop compassion – for ourselves and for others 

1- Mindfulness

The more aware we are then the more choice we have in interactions with others and ourselves. Are we going to judge or react? Or can we simply be kind? Here are some great compassion guided meditations.

2- Positive Self-Talk

We all have a strong inner critic but it can be very demoralising listening to that voice. Understanding where the voice comes from and helping ourselves with positive affirmations can quieten the judgements. For example, I always hear that I’m not good enough and I will beat myself up about it for days, months, years… but I’m slowly changing that phrase to “I am good at being creative, etc” and therefore I can achieve things that I actually enjoy doing. 

3- Soothing Touch Meditation

How would a friend comfort you? A hug or a touch on the shoulder can be so restorative, done in the right way from the right person of course. Well, it’s possible to do it for yourself. Think about when you’re scared or worried about something. Do you instinctively hug yourself? Or perhaps you rub the back of your hand, or your elbow? You are naturally trying to reassure yourself. There is some great meditation out there that walks you through this.

4- Letting Go of Our Egos

Whilst mindfulness allows us to be in the experience, however painful, it’s compassion that allows us to deal with it. However, this only works if we step out of our story-telling minds and forget our own issues, even if only for a moment.

Our brains are constantly telling us that we’re right but what does that mean about the person talking to us? How can we both be right? As an experiment, just let go for a moment and pretend they’re right. What does that do to your way of thinking? Do you maybe see something you hadn’t seen before … try it. See what happens.

5- It’s ok to be Human

Imagine a friend talking to you right now with your particular issue or pain. What would a friend be telling you right now? Reframing the situation in our minds is a huge step but also reaching out to others can be a key moment.

Of course, I don’t want to negate the severity of certain scenarios and of course many issues in life are beyond comprehension and of great pain and sometimes we need professional help. But for many of us, stepping outside of our heads for a moment can be helpful. 

It all sounds so simple (on paper anyway … ) and so right and yet most will stay away and pretend they don’t need compassion. They’ll just fight on through. They’ll keep judging those of us in recovery but worst of all, they’ll keep judging themselves. That only creates more angst and even hate and of course, pain.