“Before we can be happy, we need to learn how we make ourselves unhappy.”
I was really struck by that phrase from the Happy Buddha in his book Happiness and How It Happens. It’s almost as if we’re doing this unhappiness thing to ourselves. And we really are. So, instead of chasing happiness, perhaps we unlearn happiness? Talk about flipping things on their heads.
Unlearning Old Habits
Most things we do are habitual. It’s a very useful skill because we can take shortcuts and not have to focus on mundane things such as how to brush our teeth. What about all the unhelpful habits we pick up either in reaction to events or by copying those around us?
Most of us are aware of the nature versus nurture debate. Then again, most of intuitively knew that it’s a combination of both or, as epigenetics tells us, it also depends on context. Although, did you know though that memories can be passed down through generations? Incredibly, how your environment impacts you can be passed on to your children and their children. Perhaps then it was written in stone somewhere during my great-great-grandmother’s era that I was going to anxiously disposed.
Think about all the habits that make you unhappy. Binge eating, phone addictions and watching late-night TV come to mind. I was actually luck to grow up in a house where sugary drinks and sweets weren’t allowed so I never develop a taste for them. Of course, the lack of nurture and the emotional abuse pushed me to alcohol and co-dependency decades later.
Today I realise that I come from a long line of codependent women. Did this coping mechanism make me happy? Did the OCD that came with it reassure me? Clearly not. It wasn’t until I started meditating and journaling that I started to get to know those habits of the mind. Quite recently though I got a sudden realisation that I no longer check things. There simply doesn’t seem to a point anymore.
We Have More Choice Than We Realise
We create our realities and our world with our brains. There are endless ways to make those neural connections but they get formed by our experiences and our view points. These views usually revolve around the ego. This creates our suffering because we attach too much importance to events that could be quite neutral if the ego didn’t put ourselves in the centre.
How many times have you thought I wish I could stop thinking something? As we grow up, we get addicted to our thoughts and listen to them as if they are true. We’re rewarded for this in most cultures because we’re expected to be logical beings. What about emotion our bodies?
If you want to unlearn unhappiness and all those unhelpful thoughts, you have to stop giving the mind such importance. Meditation is an obvious technique but so is reconnecting with the body and feeling our here and now. The best way to use these techniques to unlearn unhappiness and your unhelpful habits is to be open and curious. Get to know those habits and patterns of thinking so that you can challenge them and undo them.
For example, do you always assume the worst when someone doesn’t call you? Instead, can you think of other reasons that don’t involve you for why they might not have called? We give away our power too easily to events and people. We let them impact our moods and how we view ourselves. The wiser approach is to build inner strength by observing who you are without the anxieties and neuroses pulling you in every direction.
Whilst this is clearly hard and an ongoing journey, we can choose how we relate to situations and people. Of course, it takes practice to quieten the mind such that it loses its grip on us.
How Can you Unlearn Unhappiness?
1- Define your own expectations
This might sound obvious but do you live by other people’s rules or by your own? What matters most to you in life and are you doing it right now? Some people talk about purpose, others talk about living your legacy. Another way to look at it as Mark Mason tells us is to just think about what can you do with your life?
2- Get to know your habits of the mind
The first step is to stop believing your thoughts. You actually have no control over the constant chattering that happens non-stop in your head. That’s not to say you can intentionally create a thought. Those thoughts that just pop up though are just like saliva. You can manage them but you can’t stop them.
The way to redirect unhelpful thoughts it to first get to know them. So, do you tend to be hard on yourself first thing on the morning or last thing at night? Naturally, external events trigger our thoughts but sometimes we’re just anxious for no reason. Can you pinpoint at which time of day?
Once you have a view of the patterns of your thoughts you can start to challenge them and re-write them. This takes patience and self-compassion to be successful. Another helpful technique is to write your thoughts to really get to know them.
3- Listen to your body to unlearn unhappiness
This one is a big leap of faith for many people. It’s just not something we know how to do or even really understand in most western cultures. If you’re still in doubt, check out the neuroscience research that prove the mind-body connection.
Most of our unhappiness is in our thoughts. You can quieten those thought by using the body to anchor you in the present. This enables you leave your anxieties and other burdens aside as you appreciate the now. You do this by connecting with the senses and being aware of your body. Yes, you can meditate on the breath but you can also meditate with the sound of the waves or even the traffic. The more you do this exercise, the more you realise that thoughts and emotions are transient and will eventually pass.
Are You Brave Enough to Take Your Next Step
To unlearn unhappiness you must first understand your unhelpful thoughts and how they make you suffer. Then, create some distance with those thoughts by connecting to your body’s sensations and being aware of the present. You can also challenge your thoughts as you start rewiring your brain. Happiness isn’t a thing to gain but a state of mind. Releasing yourself from the power of your thoughts will allow you to reconnect with your inner peace with a quieter mind.
