Something clicked for me today. All this time, deep down I’ve been looking for the perfect partner, the perfect relationship, the perfect love. Of course, intellectually, I know that we are all imperfect humans. In fact, the imperfections of relationships make them beautiful. However, I hadn’t realised that my truth still held on to perfection. I am clearly still struggling to let go of perfectionism. I’ve now finally understood that the imperfection of relationships is what makes them beautiful. 

It would be easy for me to blame social media with its constant parade of perfect lives and perfect people. In fact, the reason I still struggle with letting go of perfectionism is that it’s a defence mechanism I developed decades ago. I grew up with aggressively high-achiever parents for whom nothing was ever good enough. Of course there are advantages to perfectionism in that I succeeded at everything but at what cost? And does it really make a difference in life if you went to university x or y? 

Letting Go of Perfectionism 

It is worth noting the difference between perfectionism and striving for excellence. Perfectionism is an unattainable idea whilst excellence is meeting realistic but stretched goals. Excellence is about being our best and maximising our strengths whilst respecting our weaknesses. On the contrary, perfectionism is a shield and a mask to the world that we are superhuman with no flaws. Excellence, on the other hand, is learning from our mistakes to fulfil our purpose in life. 

And what is perfectionism? Do you find yourself procrastinating? Deep down, if you’re honest with yourself, do you have a fear of failure? Are you overly critical of yourself? Do you set unrealistic expectations on those around you, especially those close to you? All of these for me are a resounding yes but there’s something else. It’s one of my masks. Having spent a good part of my life codependent with my mother, I can still hear her voice criticising me. By making things perfect around me, I can fool my brain into focusing on the little details rather than hearing her voice. Today with mindfulness, I’m letting the voice in but then I’m letting it go. It’s gradually getting smaller.

So how do we let go of perfectionism? 

1- Find your purpose.

This is a tough action but worth the effort. Knowing what we are meant to do in this world gives us a guiding light. It makes the dark days and mistakes easier to bounce up from. I’ll talk separately on life purpose but essentially, it’s about finding your passions. The best clue is to look for the activities where you lose yourself because you are so absorbed. The best way to start is to keep a diary of those moments and start noticing the trends across your life. 

2- Establishing your needs.

This is important because it allows you to understand where you won’t sacrifice on quality. It also allows you to understand where you can perhaps accept less because it is not so important to you. Again, finding your needs is tough and relates to how you expect to be treated.

For me, my needs are linked to my values about respecting and supporting my personal growth. Coming from a family with no sense of personal boundaries, I value personal time and space. As a natural extrovert and traveller, I need people in my life to be curious and open-minded to change. A good place to start to establish your needs is to think about the moments when you were upset with someone. Try to connect what was missing for you in that situation. For example, were they stepping into your personal space? Were they disregarding your need for honesty or compassion? Or are they mirroring one of your traits you’re trying to hard from yourself?

3- Curiosity.

Be curious about your flaws. Actively look for mistakes that can help you learn about them and yourself more deeply.

4- Compassionate mindfulness.

This is a very helpful tool to help reframe the critical statements that come from a perfectionist mind.

5- Imagine a supportive friend.

Would a friend talking to you about a so-called failure you’ve had use the same language as your own critical mind talking?

Why are Imperfections of Relationships Beautiful? 

I once read somewhere that relationships allow us to continue learning about ourselves. We should be aware of how we react to our partners’ flaws, beliefs and dreams. Do we accept these with curiosity or do we try to impose our rules and beliefs? Do we get upset at a phrase because we have an unmet need that we expect the other person to just know because, after all, they are “perfect”? 

Together with our partners, we can be imperfect humans and we can grow together. We can learn each others’ stories to help us continue to understand both our weaknesses and work together to make things better. Love is really about understanding each others’ flaws and helping each other be the best human we can be. It’s a never-ending journey of learning, making mistakes, forgiving, stumbling, carrying each other, listening, crying, laughing, and connecting as human souls trying to find our way in this human experience. If that’s not beautiful, I don’t what is.