Self growth
The battles fought between mothers and daughters are as old as time itself. Countless books have been written and countless more will come. As my own mother reminded me a couple of days ago, to reassess and question ourselves is hard so she won’t do self-growth. The battles will therefore continue. And yet Socrates is well-known for telling us that the unexamined life isn’t worth living. Without self-growth, how is life so much worse?
The Paradox of Self-Growth
For those of us who prioritise self-growth, have you ever stopped to consider what good enough looks like? As a recovering perfectionist, it’s so easy for me to fall back into the old patterns of self-criticism. Sadly, that doesn’t help and on the contrary, it shuts my brain down as it flips into a depressed mood.
Socrates talked about the unexamined life not being worth living when he was facing his charges to be put to death. It’s interesting to note that he was specifically talking to the city’s powerful people because he felt their greed and need for power was blinding them. The suffering of the unexamined life comes from the fact that we are ruled by our desires. We’re not in control. The knee-jerk reactions and cravings are. Is that really who we are though? Just a bundle of cravings?
At some point though, when does self-growth flip into self-acceptance and how can you balance the two? When do you spend time to sitting in the present and truly accepting who you are today, in this moment? I wondered that myself this morning also as a wave of perfectionism hit me. Instead of letting it take me away though, I managed to ground myself into the present.
The Quest for Truth
Doesn’t it sound more motivating to analyse our inner worlds so that we can, bit by bit, remove the illusion of the ego? Carl Jung talks about the individuation process to heal our wounds and befriend our shadow. Eastern philosophies talk about connecting with the present moment to remove the veils of Maya.
Either way, the idea is to strip away our worldly desires and neuroses to connect to our inner parts and discover the essence that lies beneath our thoughts and emotions. We then realise that we create our so-called realities by attaching to our thoughts, beliefs and emotions. Behind the veil though, is the universal consciousness that binds us all. We are all separate souls and yet united just like a wave is part of a great ocean. Through that unveiling, we discover peace because we realise that thoughts and emotions just come and go and we don’t need to attach to them or cling to them.
Self-growth isn’t easy especially if you take it on as a lifelong journey. Regardless, I know that I don’t want my subconscious shadow living my life for me. I want to seek the truth that lies beyond the emotions and thoughts that go through the mind that I happen to have. Yes, in a sense, that’s a spiritual path because spirituality aims to transcend the ego and deep self-growth also aims to go beyond the ego’s foibles. It doesn’t mean the ego disappears but it means we discover something more.
Throughout this work, we discover that we have a choice and that we can ease our suffering.
What Can We Do To Ease Our Suffering?
When was the last time you got caught up in negative thoughts? What about a story on a loop about something you did or didn’t do the other day? We are so governed by the mind that we often don’t even realise that it’s trying to run the show. There is the option to connect to the present and quieten the mind. With time, the endless chatter loses its power and we accept life with its good, bad and ugly… eventually.
There’s a reason that spirituality and transformative learning are often put together. That’s not to say that everyone should become spiritual. On the contrary, it’s about looking at all the options and finding the one that works for you. Nevertheless, reflection, compassion and meditation are useful practices to calm the mind and to connect to the present. This weakens the hole the mind has over you. Those practices also work because they force you to question your thoughts and beliefs. With compassion, you’re more likely to see other viewpoints and so question your own. Then, it’s much easier to let go of unhelpful thoughts that only increase your anxiety.
1- Compassion
Compassion starts with yourself. Whilst my mother verges on the neurotic with such a level of anxiety that I’m not sure she ever sleeps, I also feel for her because I know she constantly berates herself. If your inner voice is so harsh, how can you ever find peace let alone self-growth?
Instead, find 10 things about yourself that you’re grateful for every morning when you wake up. Then, when you make a mistake, tell yourself that you’re human. Sometimes we also need to reach out to others to help us gain perspective that perhaps not all our mistakes are the end of the world.
2- Reflection
In this fast-paced world, very few people seem to find time for reflection. It doesn’t have to be long. Even 10 minutes a day is a good start. You can simply ask yourself 3 questions:
- What did I learn today?
- What am I proud of?
- What will I start doing differently tomorrow?
3- Acceptance
Finally, we’re back to the paradox. How can you focus on self-growth whilst remembering self-acceptance? We all need to find our own balance. Often, self-care is the core foundation for self-acceptance. The American Psychological Association even have self-care as part of their ethics code, it’s that important.
What Will You Do Now to Take Control of Your Suffering?
We can either live our lives governed by our subconscious desires and fears so repeating the habits and mistakes of the generations that came before us. Or, we can break the cycle.
We can reflect and connect with ourselves, including through nature, to find our inner compassionate core. We’ll gradually accept ourselves as we strive to uncover even more of ourselves as we keep digging deeper. Finally, we’ll find our own peace and balance for how we want to live this life.
