“We can get depressed believing that we’re not good enough, without really questioning: how good do you have to be to be at peace with yourself?” Ajahn Sucitto

I was really struck by that phrase, especially as a recovering perfectionist. Even as I left the corporate world and stepped onto my spiritual path of self-discovery and mindfulness, I realise now that I was still striving for that perfect goal. I was secretly wondering if I could maybe be like one of those monks and emulate wisdom and serenity? Maybe I can but then again, do I want to meditate all day for the rest of my life? Right now, that’s not my purpose so why give myself an unachievable goal? So, reading that phrase reminded me that self-acceptance is the first step to improving yourself. 

The Paradox of Self-Acceptance versus Improvement 

It might sound like a strange paradox to accept yourself in order to improve yourself. In fact, it’s hugely liberating. For me, it’s about being on the journey to become an ever-increasingly better version of yourself. By accepting your vulnerabilities and humanness then you actually give yourself more space and freedom to grow into those so-called gaps. You can even use them to your advantage. 

Your Gaps Could be your Strength

For instance, I’ve always been berated for my energy levels. People used to tell me that I was too much and too intimidating to be around. Since I started accepting myself, I’ve actually recently had people compliment me on my levels of energy. I nearly fell off my seat the first time it happened. It’s only taken more decades that I would like to count. 

Have I really changed that much? No, I’ve actually simply started accepting myself. Therefore my energy no longer looks like a nervous whirlwind of randomness. Instead, it looks grounded and focused. Now it seems to motivate and inspire others. Of course, I still have those moments when it is just anxious energy but that doesn’t happen so much anymore. And if someone doesn’t like my energy, well, never mind and let’s both move on. 

With Self-Acceptance comes Peace 

Accepting ourselves isn’t easy, thanks to that inner voice that’s constantly telling us off or that something’s wrong with us. The more you let that voice control and overwhelm you then the less likely you can fee yourself and change.

Alternatively, telling that inner voice “hey, thanks for the feedback but I’m human and I’m doing my best” will free you. And with freedom comes the curiosity and space to change. It’s like removing a set of chains from round your neck. 

1- Think about what’s motivating your improvement goal 

Are your goals being driven by perfectionist traits? Or even by wanting to control something or someone, even yourself? Perhaps you’re comparing yourself to someone else? These all tend to be ‘stick’ approaches rather than using the carrot method.

Doesn’t encouragement and compassion support people so much more? Why not give it to ourselves then? You can even consider linking your goals to your values so for example, becoming more curious which will then naturally help you be more open-minded and less judgemental. 

2- Gratitude and Strengths 

With all our harsh self-criticism, we often forget that we all have strengths and qualities to offer. I love this worksheet that helps you plan how you’re going to use your strengths for the week. 

To me, gratitude follows very closely and is also often linked to self-esteem. Again, you could argue that all these overlap nicely with self-acceptance. Simply list 5, or even 10, things about yourself that you’re grateful for and put that list either next to your bed or your mirror so that you can see it everyday. It’s a great way to boost your day. 

3- Nature and Mindfulness, if you dare 

I say if you dare because I’m still amazed at how many people resist nature and mindfulness. Admittedly, I used to be one of those people so I also have huge empathy. I thought I was happy in the crazy hubbub of large cities with so many distractions and people to keep me busy. Nature was boring to me and I would have looked at you as if you’d had 3 eyes if you’d mentioned mindfulness. 

What changed? I’ll confess that it was the slap in the face of tough feedback I received many years ago. You should always take feedback with a pinch of salt but this was universal across my working persona. I was too reactive, bossy, aggressive and generally exhausting to be around. My coach at the time threw me the lifeline that is known as mindfulness. With it, I learnt to pause, to connect with myself and with nature. My whole being shifted such that my priorities changed. I finally saw the wisdom in self-acceptance and in pausing without trying to take over the world. I found my inner self and gave her life. 

Find and Accept Yourself

We all have it in us to find ourselves. Often, we’re blinded by our self-criticism, perfectionism or need to conform to expectations. We put all these millstones round our neck because we think it’s the way to be successful or even a good person. But only you know what success and being a good person means to you. No one else can tell you that.

It’s not easy finding yourself when surrounded by the world we’ve created because it is so loud and unnatural. That’s why mindfulness is so powerful when it comes to self-acceptance. Essentially, it reminds us that we are nature and we are here, right now. There’s nothing to prove in this very moment except to ourselves.

By listening to our inner self that exists beyond our inner critic, then we can finally reach a sense of peace. We let go of trying to control who we are and we give in to who we truly are deep down. It’s a relief and it’s beautiful, even if the path is rocky.