One of my clients recently asked me, “how do I stop feeling guilty”. It was very early on in our coaching programme and I thought it was a  brave thing to say. It’s hard to identify our feelings, let alone say them out loud. I smiled internally though because we all have feelings of guilt or shame most of the time otherwise, we’d probably be psychopaths. However, for some, these feelings can be so crippling that life essentially drains them. So how can we go about overcoming guilt and shame? 

Guilt versus Shame

There’s actually a difference with feelings of shame and those words are often erroneously intertwined. Feelings of guilt are usually about a short term issue or an incident that’s recently happened. Feelings of shame usually involve internal judgement and feeling that you as a person are not good enough. Guilt can even be helpful if you take responsibility for your actions. However, it took me years and many hours of meditation to internalise that and to really feel the shame and to understand the difference. Sitting with the feeling however was very therapeutic in allowing myself to understand it and then to let it go rather than it becoming my identity. 

Causes

Psychology is filled with studies of guilt, shame and anxiety, from Freud to Seligman, and how perhaps our childhood or today’s world of high achievement can drive these feelings. Did you have over bearing parents? Were you bullied at school? Did perfection become a defence mechanism to deal with fear of failure? Perhaps you have low self-esteem or even depression although sometimes professional help is needed. There are many theories as to how these feelings were useful for our evolution and making sure we supported each other. However, the reasons and the past are simply stories that we hold to onto today. In the spirit of true mindfulness, the trick to overcoming guilt and shame is to let them go and be in the present … 

… with a few extra tips to help you along in overcoming guilt and shame:

1- Identify if you’re feeling guilt or shame

Sit with the feeling and journal about it. What are your triggers? It is a feeling that only appears during discrete scenarios or something that sits within you? It’s very easy to feel guilty about messing up a project or snapping impatiently at someone. However, journaling the situation can help you see what role you played and decide to either apologise or talk it through to find an alternative path forward 

2- Self-Esteem

List your strengths and positive character traits. I found it helpful to list my top 3 for both and read them daily. Another useful exercise is to journal each day about who you helped, who you made smile and what you achieved. This last one can be as simple as making your bed. It’s about the attitude and approach and not about the size of the achievement. 

3- Be kind to yourself – Forgive yourself as we are all human

Everyone says things they regret or eat things they shouldn’t but it’s ok to make mistakes. Accept the moment and move on. Punishing yourself for months and months seems disproportionate and yet, many of us do it. Ask yourself what you would tell a friend in the same situation. You can even journal how a friend might speak to you. A compassion meditation can also be very helpful.

4-  Self-Care 

It sounds simple but something else that helped me was to reconnect with myself whilst allowing myself to feel and to look after myself in a healthy manner. If I can’t even respect myself enough to look after myself then how can I expect others to respect? However, if I respect myself and honour my strengths and weaknesses and appreciate myself as a human being then I deserve compassion and forgiveness like any other.

5-  Lose the Ego – Do something Altruistic 

This is one of the toughest parts of mindfulness but the most valuable. The brain makes everything about us because that’s how it helps us to survive. However feelings of guilt and shame can lead down the path to victimhood. However, if you forget yourself for a while and help others then the ego is less likely to cry out for attention. And think about it, there are so many things constantly at play in every situation and scenario that it’s humbling to remember that perhaps our role wasn’t so big after all. And, after all, who are we to judge anyway?