Did you grow up with that phrase “stiff upper lip” or any other equivalent telling you to hide your emotions? Many cultures fear emotions because we’ve somehow decided that they mean that we’re weak. On the contrary though, being able to know and understand our emotions and not let them overwhelm us is a sign of strength. They’re actually signals that are trying to tell us something and the more we listen then the better we’ll be at managing our emotions.

Emotions

This is not to say that sometimes emotions feel very powerful and out of control. This seems particularly true for both sadness and anger which are closely linked. Have you ever been so angry that you end up bursting into tears? 

The interesting thing is that emotions and feelings are two very different things although they often appear to be the same. In fact, emotions are responses in our bodies to what’s going on around us. Every second of every day, we get so many inputs that can cause our hearts to elevate or simply, our guts to update us on our digestion. If you want to see this in practice then watch this great TED talk by neuroscientist Dr. Alan Watkins.

Feelings 

Feelings on the other hand are essentially the mental images or stories that we attach to our emotions. With our thinking mind, we attach importance to an emotion so that, rather than letting it go, we build it up. This means that any chemicals that were created in response to our physiological change is now kept in our bodies rather than being allowed to go back to normal. 

For example, someone says something that stresses or worries you. You heart rate will automatically spike and naturally go back to normal if you forget about it. However, if you then start thinking about how much this person is against you or trying to steal your job or whatever it is, then your heart rate will stay up. Your body now thinks that the threat is real and so will keep you ready for fight or flight by keeping your adrenalin and cortisol levels up, amongst other things. All this is not good for your body in the long run. In fact, it’s what then leads to heart disease and other issues later in life. 

Managing Our Emotions and Feelings 

You often hear the phrase ‘to control your emotions’ although I’m not really sure anyone can ever control these things. Managing seems a much better word to me because it implies that something happens that you can then direct. Control implies that you’re going to stop emotions which is impossible. Also, you wouldn’t want to do that. Emotions serve a very useful purpose in that they’re giving you information about what’s going on around you. The more you can read them then the better you’ll become at avoiding situations that are harmful to you. 

1- Pay attention to the sensations in your body

The more aware you are of the data that your body is sending to your brain then the better prepared you’ll be for that worry spike. That moment of stress won’t take you by surprise so much anymore. Instead, you’ll sense your heart rate going up, realise that you’re getting angry in time for you to walk away from the situation. You can then come back to it with a cooler head but you will have avoided a reaction you might regret later. 

Most people resist the idea of sitting quietly with themselves. It’s a scary thing to sit with our thoughts and observe the patterns of our mind. Understanding how the sensations in our bodies are linked to those thought patterns though will give you greater power in managing your emotions and stress reactions. 

2- Be creative and kind to yourself

When dealing with such strong emotions, it’s impossible to read and sometimes even write. Whilst journaling is a power tool to help us with managing our emotions, we can also opt for being creative. Both options give us a chance to have a break, so to speak. You don’t have to be an artist to doodle. Then again, doing a jigsaw puzzle is therapeutic or even doing a crossword can be.

Essentially, you’re giving your emotions and feelings a way out which also helps create space and allows you to practice letting them go. This then allows your adrenalin and cortisol levels to rebalance because you’ve successfully calmed yourself down. When are emotions lead to high levels of stress, our brains shut down our prefrontal cortex so that we are no longer able to make reasoned decisions.

As Dr. Watkins says in the TED talk mentioned above, we take the stupid pill when we’re stressed. This is actually a very clever way for your brain to maximise its resources in saving your life by running away or fighting the threat. However, in every day life, we don’t usually face life-threatening situations and its more helpful to bring ourselves back to balance. So, take a breath, practice creating space with your emotions so that you don’t attach stories to them and be kind to yourself. When going through these processes, imaging your best friend talking to you and encouraging you.

3- Name it

Where do you feel stress in your body? What about anger? Is it a churning in your gut? Or do your shoulders tense up? What are the specific signs that your body is using to tell you that something is wrong? Try naming and describing them so that you can better understand them. With time and practice, you’ll then find that you’ll start seeing the build up of emotion much earlier such that you have time to pause, calm yourself and respond rather than react. You’ll even be able to reframe that emotion into something positive and generally build your overall emotional intelligence. This is what managing your emotions is all about.  

Our Natural Resistance 

If you’ve read this far then hopefully you have enough curiosity to give managing your emotions a go. Simply sit for 5 minutes a day and sense what’s happening in your body. It will definitely be strange at first but keep doing it and with time your body will become your own teacher in interpreting your emotions. Remember though, that your mind will try to resist. That’s what it does with anything new because it’s trying to protect you from change. Our minds want to be in control but this is about letting go of that control and simply observing. Be patient with yourself and persevere through the resistance and watch as your mind loses its control over you.