I recently read someone ranting about how we all over-indulge over the holidays and that we shouldn’t. They were being very preachy without realising it and it got me thinking about what people really experience over the holidays. It’s such a tough time for so many that a momentary escapism through indulgence is only natural. We are human after all and our brains give us such a strong push towards over-indulgence. Telling someone that they should or shouldn’t do something doesn’t help at all. In fact, the more we beat ourselves up then the more we are likely to over-indulge. So where is the fine line between self-compassion and self-indulgence? And can you learn self-compassion?

What is Over-Indulgence?

Whether it’s more cake or one more drink, have you noticed how your mind screams if you try to deny it? It’s almost as if the world will end? Although sometimes it’s a cheeky little voice that keeps telling you that no one will notice: it’s only one more. 

Bizarrely, these feelings are all trying to make you feel better. The only problem is that your brain is trying to make you feel better by avoiding your pain or helping you numb yourself. On the other hand, self-compassion is about letting yourself experience whatever is happening at the time. Being self-compassionate is about letting yourself be human with all your strengths and weaknesses. Self-indulgence, on the contrary, is all about judgement. The good news is that you can learn self-compassion.

How to Be more Self-Compassionate

We all want to be loved and nurtured and cared for. Many of us didn’t receive the right levels of all these things when we were growing up and so our brains try to compensate. Unfortunately though, the short term pleasure of self-indulgence usually eventually leads to long-term pain or even addiction. Then again, there’s nothing wrong with treating ourselves and in fact, we should find ways to care for ourselves and learn self-compassion. Being kind to yourself is something that many of us weren’t taught and yet, it’s a key part of self-esteem and general happiness. 

Top 3 Exercises to Learn Self-Compassion

1- Be mindful of your body 

This might sound weird but when you get a craving for something, try to pause and feel what’s happening in your body. Listen also to your what your mind is telling you. Then try to face the judging and screaming and deny yourself whatever it is you want. Be curious and watch what happens to your mind. This is the hard part but over the next few minutes (different times for everyone) you’ll see that your mind gets bored and wants to think about something else. 

Distracting your mind by focusing on your breath is also a good technique. Generally, the more mindful you are then the more likely you’ll hear your body telling you that actually, it’s doesn’t want that extra cake. 

2- Distorted Thinking 

Indulgence is actually more of a symptom and studying the cause will be more helpful in the long run. Of course, this is a difficult journey and one for which we often need help either from a coach or therapist. Either way, something that you can try to think about is your distorted thinking.

Throughout our lives, we’ve been influenced by people, family, cultures and experiences. All of those have helped us form our view of the world along with our beliefs and values. Life though is not made up of perfect experiences and along the way, we’ve also developed unhealthy beliefs about ourselves.

Perhaps we hold ourselves to superhuman standards. Or some of us over generalise or keep telling ourselves that we should be better or we should do this or that. In fact there are at least 10. distorted patterns of thought, courtesy of Dr. David Burns. None of this thinking is useful though and understanding our thought patterns can help us tame those unhealthy thoughts. Remember the stick versus the carrot? Well, no one responds well to the stick.

3- Forgiveness and Gratitude 

Allowing ourselves to be human makes such a difference to our well being. We all make mistakes but it’s how you respond to them that matters. Do you try to apologise where necessary? Do you try to understand your behaviour and how you can learn from it? No one can ever ask for more than that. If something is tormenting you then write yourself a letter, as if from a friend, to work through whatever incident it was. Be as loving and forgiving as a friend would be. Remember to include what makes you a great friend and how they’re grateful for having you in their life.

What’s Next?

I’m not saying any of this is easy and of course it takes time to change your language from self-judgment and ‘shoulds’ to something positive and motivating. Writing helps you see those patterns and so does patience. Finally, don’t forget to find the healthy activities that can support you through this, whether it’s walking, listening to music, gardening, exercise or reading a book. Sometimes, it means reevaluating your days and finding the right balance for your energy flow.

The fact that you’re even trying to have a go to learn self-compassion is more than many people ever do. Learning about your mind and its thought patterns is the greatest gift anyone can give themselves as well as to those around them. And self-indulgence can help you do that. It’s actually gift to have those tough moments of indulgence because they help you learn about yourself. You’ll end up being kinder to yourself and to others be learning through those moments. That’s more than anyone could hope to achieve in this world.