Isn’t it weird that none of us can actually ever know or even experience true reality? Everything is only an interpretation of the brain developed from our background, experiences, relationships, etc, etc. Take it one step further and the illusion of reality is even more mind boggling. Compare the world as seen by an ant or a butterfly and suddenly the sense of time and space is very different. How many realities are out there? The illusion of reality is almost limitless as Einstein first explored. I also find that quite humbling, just how little we really know.

An Illusion of an Illusion? 

My whole world was once again recently shattered. And just when I thought that perhaps I more or less had a manageable grasp on my reality. I now have to rebuild the new illusion of reality, with perhaps a little less illusion? Or is that an illusion in itself? 

Another Illusion Shattered

I grew up thinking that my mother was a neurotic and obsessive woman, although that bit hasn’t changed, with a grounded, sensible father. Sure, he was old fashioned and a slight misogynist but how could you blame him with the constant nipping from his wife? Whilst working with a business coach last year, I was encouraged to see my father through my eyes only. I am aware of the irony, having just spoken about the illusion of reality. Nothing prepared me for the discovery that he is a narcissist. Sure, he’s not on the extreme end of the scale but it was a bit like taking the red pill in the Matrix. The pink rainbows and fluffy rabbits all fell away to reveal the dark truth. But everything suddenly clicked and made sense. 

Breaking the Cycle

Having read more about growing up with narcissism, I also understand that I am more susceptible to dating narcissists. Could this apply to my mother and so, could my hero and grandfather also be one too? How many generations of pain and emotional suffering have been passed down to us? Can I really break the cycle in one lifetime? There is so much to rewire in my brain and so many beliefs to rephrase in my mind that I sometimes wonder if the healing will ever stop. The journey never ends and I’m ok with that. However, to find some relief from the trend of bad relationships sooner rather than later would be good. I don’t want to be 90 and barely moving to finally work out how to have healthy romantic relationships… talk about a slap in the face. 

How? 

1- Mindfulness

Mindfulness will always come up. The more we can be in tune with how we react to situations and people then the easier it will be able to step back and pause without judgement. Being mindful that we are only interpreting reality can open us up to other interpretations and view points. We are therefore less likely to get caught up in our own views. 

2- Connecting with others

Others can be a great support for our positive self-perceptions as well as our emotional health. I often find this tough because as a child of narcissism, I want to retreat into myself and protect myself from more pain. However, by connecting, I am finally allowing myself to open up and let people in. Others can be great sounding boards, supportive friends or simply be there to help us enjoy good moments. 

3- Observing beauty in the world around us

The more we can appreciate the different viewpoints of nature then the more likely we are to be aware of the limitations of our interpretations of reality. This is something I naturally enjoy and I find it has helped me become more willing to listen to others and to question myself and my approach. It also helped me cultivate more curiosity as I wonder at this world around us.

4- Observe and remove any self-absorbed behaviours

The more we listen and nurture our internal ego then the more close-minded we become. We hold onto our realities too tightly and are more hurt when they shatter. I am today working hard at being mindful of my narcissist behaviours which has been very eye-opening. It has allowed me to better understand how I impact others and it has helped me stop blaming the world for my issues. Everyday I become more aware of my personal growth and my own need to change which is very refreshing as this is something I can control.