This week, I made it to DHL by the skin of my teeth just before the noon deadline so my urgent package could make it for the next day. I was struck by how kind the team were to me and were even willing to wait for me. Isn’t it wonderful when someone is kind to you? They’re not frustrated by whatever is going on in their life but they take the time to be present for you. I see a lot of people around me carrying the burdens of their personal pain of whatever past trauma they’ve experienced. They struggle to be kind to themselves, let alone anyone else. It is hard to be kind to others but in the end, being kind also benefits you. So how to develop kindness?
What is Kindness?
Being kind is essentially an action that we do for others. This is different to compassion which is something we experience internally. Of course the two are linked and you start with inner compassion and follow through with a kind act (Brodrick, 2019).
It all starts with ourselves because after all, if you can’t be kind to yourself then how can you develop kindness to others? You know your pain and your issues but you still berate yourself which seems harsh. If you can be kind to yourself despite your issues and weaknesses then it’s so much easier to see that others have issues too and also deserve kindness.
Why is it Hard to be Kind?
Our brains are wonderful tools designed to protect us no matter what. They create a constant stream of thoughts that warn us, criticise us, motivate us and generally judge the world around us. Our brains tell us that we are the best and that we are right and others are wrong which means that we try to push our agenda onto others. But if everyone is ‘right’ and yet we all disagree then does ‘right’ really exist?
Everyone has anxieties and stresses and wounds from our childhoods. This is essentially what it means to be human. We get caught up in these thoughts and create stories that convince us that it’s ok to rush through our lives without thinking of others. We are frustrated, distracted or too busy ruminating to even notice someone who needs help. Fear is another blocker of kindness because after all, people might abuse our kindness (Fisher, 2019) … or will they?
Whilst all this sounds very depressing, there is hope. Neuroscience research actually shows that the brain changes and can be trained to be compassionate and therefore kind. The key for how to develop kindness is practice, practice, practice. Other research also shows that being kind to yourself will also bring you greater well-being (Hall, 2017). Kindness helps you create a sense of connection and warmth with people and the world. And I don’t about you but I love the sound of that.
Try it – How to Develop Kindness?
1- Awareness through Mindfulness
Being present and aware of what’s happening around you is the best way to notice when others need help. There are some great self-compassion meditations you can do but if you’re not quite ready for meditation you can also try this exercise. It’s very simple and might feel strange at first but give it a go and watch how your mindset changes over a few days:
When you see a person in the street or in a shop or anywhere, notice them and say to yourself “I wish them happiness”.
2- Curiosity
It’s hard to be kind to someone who is frustrating us or being cold to us. However, you can try to be curious about why they are like this. Perhaps they had absent parents. Perhaps they’ve lost someone. Everyone has a story and everyone has baggage that you can’t see but you can try to acknowledge it. It doesn’t mean that you condone unhealthy behaviour but it helps you see past it to the suffering person in front of you.
Questions are always good to get more information but you can also practice a curious mindset. Try and find at least one new thing in your environment everyday. You could notice the shapes of the clouds, a new car on the street you haven’t seen before or what someone is wearing… do you truly ever look around as you rush through life?
3- Cultivate Gratitude
Noticing what you can be grateful for during your day will help you be more in the present. This means that you are not ruminating about the past nor worrying about the future. The science tells us that by noticing the present more and being grateful allows you to rewire your brain for greater optimism and happiness (Edwards, 2018). Kindness then follows naturally.
List your top 5 or 10 things you notice about your day that you are grateful for. It can be as simple as having the sun out. And then watch as your mindset changes and you feel more positive and kinder to yourself and the world. It is a warm and fuzzy feeling that we all enjoy. And after all, it’s better to be kind than to be right, as a wise man once said.
References
Brodrick, M. (18 April 2019) The heart and science of kindness. Harvard Health Publishing. [Online] Available here
Edwards, K. (8 July 2018) How Gratitude and Kindness Go Together for Brain-Changing Happiness. PscyhCentral. [Online] Available here
Fisher, J. (28 November 2019) 7 reasons why it’s hard to be kind. KevinMD. [Online] Available here
Hall, K. (4 December 2017). The Importance of Kindness. PsychologyToday [Online] Available here
Michele
July 22, 2020 11:30 amI have been very awareness of kindness in the past few months. Perhaps the pandemic has made me realize that a little kindness really goes a long way. I appreciate a kindness done to me and I try to be kind to others. I have been sending little cards to people who are home bound during the pandemic. I hope it brightens their day.
Anne
July 22, 2020 11:55 amHi Michele, nice to see you again and thank you so much for your comment. What a wonderful idea to send cards to people. I miss getting personal post and I’m sure it does brighten up their day. Thank you for sharing!
Enda Sheppard
July 22, 2020 5:32 pmI think gratitude is a good word, but I would prefer appreciation … I do think when we take the time to appreciate things, the world is a richer place, and we fit into it better. #MLSTL
Anne
July 22, 2020 6:14 pmHi Enda, Thank you for visiting and for your comment. It’s a great point and yes, you’re right that appreciation is also a great word. I would in fact take it further and say that we need both appreciation and gratitude. I’m very influenced by my mindfulness training where gratitude is a key word because it embodies the feelings of being thankful and appreciative. For me, it’s very much about connecting to my feelings and truly sensing what gratitude feels like in my body which then helps do more kind acts naturally. Of course we then need to appreciate things too and for me that means the ‘doing’ piece therefore saying thank you and doing things that show you appreciate someone and you appreciate their help, for example. As you say though, appreciation is important and I would say we definitely need both – thank you for sharing 😀
Deborah Cook
July 22, 2020 5:50 pmI very much like the idea of cultivating gratitude and it’s something I need to work on. I’m grateful ‘to’ others and always quick to thank people etc but I’m not as grateful as I should be about circumstances or situations. About my ‘lot in life’ I guess.
Anne
July 22, 2020 6:20 pmThanks Deborah! It’s definitely not easy and takes practice but it gets easier. I find nature hugely helpful because being grateful for the trees, the birds, the flowers… whatever it is, helps you connect to a deeper sense of calm as well as gratitude for the simple things. Feeling grateful for the ‘bigger’ circumstances then starts creeping in. Even in cities, you can usually find that small blade of grass making it’s way through the stones of the pavement which I find so incredible. Nature never gives up and is constantly cycling around us through life and its ups and downs. I’m hugely grateful for that inspiration!
Leanne | www.crestingthehill.com.au
July 22, 2020 6:31 pmReally interesting thoughts Anne – and I like the research behind them. It’s always hardest to be kind to the unlikeable people in our lives, but they’re often the ones who need it most. Also, being on the receiving end of an act of kindness can brighten your entire day can’t it? I really hope our world keeps embracing kindness as the antidote to the awful stuff that we see around us. #MLSTL
Anne
July 22, 2020 7:51 pmThanks Leanne! And very true, yes, kindness does really brighten up the day. It’s amazing to feel connected and to feel warmth and kindness…. as you say, let’s hope we can keep embracing kindness.
Debbie Harris
July 23, 2020 6:15 pmHi Anne, if ever there was a time for kindness, it is now! I really like the idea of curiosity and hadn’t considered this when thinking of being kind, so many thanks for sharing your thoughts. Being kind to others always make me feel better about myself! #mlstl
Anne
July 23, 2020 7:05 pmHi Debbie, it’s nice to see you again and thank you so much for your thoughts and for sharing. I love curiosity and I’m always trying to think how to be more curious. Interestingly, that can be a bit much for some 😉 But you’re right, kindness makes both others and ourselves feel better and then we’ve usually also managed to get past any judgements or set opinions in the process. I also find it quite liberating!