In a recent peer coaching discussion, I was reminded of connecting with my inner child. I’ve been so keen on reparenting myself in order to heal the wounds caused by lack of emotional support and unconditional love as a child. It’s true that I’m so focused on nurturing and caring for myself and for others, including as a volunteer, that I’d forgotten an important part of myself. Our inner child is a part of us and forgetting it only makes us incomplete. So how do you go about connecting to your inner child? 

What is the Inner Child?

First, it’s useful to understand why connecting to your inner child is important. Initially developed by Carl Jung in his model of the psyche, the inner child is a manifestation of our traumas. Everything we learned and experienced as children has been locked away in our subconscious. This inner child however, is mainly responsible for our reactions and triggers from all that unresolved trauma. Eastern philosophies take this concept one step further. They state that this unresolved trauma keeps us in the cycle of rebirth and away from achieving nirvana. I love how Buddhist monk and teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh, says it though:  “the cry we hear from deep in our hearts comes from the wounded child within.”

Why is the Inner Child Important?

The idea is that by talking to our inner child, we can release the trauma and resolve it. Whether we accept it or not, we all have some form of trauma from our early years although of course there’s a range of causes. However, we are all just big children pretending to be adults. Until you’ve met your inner child, resolved all its issues and found a way to listen and incorporate that child’s feelings with yours then you can’t move forwards. This basically means accepting our pain, our sadness and regrets and meeting them all head on. Only then will the learnt anxiety and fears start melting away. 

How do you start connecting to your inner child? 

Here are 3 easy ways to get you going:

1- Talk to your Inner Child

This might feel very weird at first but imagine yourself as a child. Choose a year that feels comfortable or that you remember well. Naturally, don’t start with the most difficult year of your childhood. Then picture yourself talking to your inner child as an adult. What did you want to hear back then? What did you wish an adult could have done for you? Perhaps it was love and attention or even simply offering support or saving you from a situation. You can do this by talking out loud or by journaling. Another technique is to write a letter from yourself now to yourself as that child. 

For me, I always remember when I was dropped off for the first time at a new school in a foreign country when I was barely 4 years old. It was no one’s fault but I wish someone had explained to me the concept of different languages. I’ve never felt more alone, more confused or more distraught. It’s a very strange feeling when you think you’ve somehow been dropped off on the wrong planet. In a way, I had been. Of course, amusingly, they had to call my mother to come and get me because they didn’t know what to do with a crying child. 

2- Reconnect with Being Silly & Fun

This is one is a tough for me because I basically skipped childhood and would be shouted at for doing anything remotely ‘childish’. My so-called childhood consisted of being locked in a room doing homework when I wasn’t at school. It’s therefore very difficult for me to know what children naturally enjoy doing. Luckily, playing with my dogs today is a huge help. 

However, there are some helpful blogs for helping us find that innocent joy that seems so innate in children. Perhaps we should all be skipping down the road everyday. What would that do your mood do you think? Dressing up is another fun idea as well as drawing and painting or even, one of my favourites, dancing in the rain. Perhaps you can even see yourself climbing a tree? I’m not sure I would trust myself today on that last one though. 

3- Observe and Reframe your Inner Critic 

I don’t know about you but as soon as I start thinking about being playful and child-like, my inner voice starts berating me and telling me that I would look like an idiot. After all, I’m supposed to be a responsible adult. Although, that in itself is laughable at times. However, this is less about me being playful and more about my perfectionist voice telling me off. Can I reframe it to remind myself that we’re all human and we need joy and laughter in our lives to feel balanced? I’ll keep trying.

It’s still work in progress but at least I’m getting better at noticing my inner critic. Meditation is a great tool that helps for this part of the work. Journaling is another great one though if you’re not quite ready for meditation. 

Some of my favourite questions to write about are: 

1. When I was growing up, I wanted to be… 
2. When I was x years old, I wish I’d had … and that someone had told me… 
3. When I was x years old and this happened, I was feeling …  
4. Today, I’m angry / sad / disappointed / etc … because when I was x years old … 

Final Thoughts

These are just some ideas but hopefully you’ll find them useful. I find the journal prompts particularly helpful in allowing me to open up the box where I used to stuff my feelings. It’s almost as if I’m giving myself permission to be human and that it’s ok to have been a child once upon a time. Through that work, I’m slowly rediscovering that innocence again. Hopefully then I can try doing more of the ‘silly’ stuff and laugh like the child I never was. Now that, will be fun.