You feel it in your gut. That raw feeling eating away at you almost to the point of making you feel nauseous. You don’t know if you want to break something or simply curl up into a little ball and pretend the world never existed. Dealing with shame doesn’t have to be that painful if you know the right tools. 

The Creation of Shame 

Whilst shame and guilt are often used interchangeably, they are in fact different. Guilt is feeling bad about something you did whereas shame is essentially feeling bad about yourself. Phrases such as “I’m useless” or “I’m a failure” are usually closely tied to shame.

Most of us assume emotions are who we are and some people even take that so far as to intrinsically believe their emotions define who their core self is. As we know from psychologists and neuroscientists, emotions are simply manifestations of stimuli in our bodies. It’s the stories we tell ourselves about them that create feelings and a multitude of confusion about who we are. Essentially, it’s our minds that create the problem when dealing with shame. 

Our minds don’t live in isolation because we’re part of a family, community and society. As this paper on the Social Role of Shame further explains, neuroscientist Antonio Damasio has shown that basic emotions such as fear are instilled from birth but that emotions such as grief and shame are taught to us by society. It makes sense if you consider that shame and guilt keep us in check. 

Moreover, different cultures experience emotions differently in the sense that we place different meanings on emotions. We might have the same bodily experiences but our interpretations change according to what we believe. In other words, it’s how we see events rather than the events themselves that can create the agonies of dealing with shame.

This paper on Chinese shame concepts further explores several Asian cultures that break down shame into sub definitions indicating that perhaps shame is more prevalent in the East. Although, the paper does refer to Mediterranean European cultures also known as the “honour cultures” which also link shame to family, male honour and female sexuality. 

With this context in mind, consider the following: 

• Shame comes from society – of course we need social rules to allow everyone to live in harmony but sometimes, the belief of the crowds might not fit your own values. Some of the most recent examples include shaming homosexuality or women for their life choices of career over family. No one should feel shame for simply living their life. 

• Self-critical thoughts are just thoughts – shame is an emotion that has been built up over generations such that you look inwards and generate a flurry of self-critical thoughts. You might have done something wrong but shame usually pushes us into despair and inaction. On the flip side, guilt tends to be more positive in the sense that you might apologise or find other ways to make amends. 

• Certain people feel more shame – as this article on the scientific underpinnings of shame explains, women and adolescents are more likely to feel shame which can descend into depression. So, perhaps we put too much pressure and expectations on ourselves? 

Dealing with Shame 

Beliefs built up from childhood tend to run deep. It isn’t easy to change them and we can’t just suddenly turn off the strong emotions and stories we attach to those emotions. It takes time and patience but it can be done such that you can live a life without regrets. 

So, if you say something you shouldn’t have to someone, it doesn’t mean you’re worthless. It just means you made a mistake. If you do jump to the conclusion that you’re worthless, it can help to explore where that might have originated. For those of us who grew up in high-achiever, perfectionist households, we developed core beliefs that nothing we did was ever good enough. With such an unstable foundation for our self-image, the tiniest thing can throw us into despair that we are worthless as a human being. 

No matter what you’ve done or said, everyone deserves unconditional love growing up. Whether you grew up with abuse or absent parents or, in my case, codependency, there’s a good chance you’ve embodied shame. It doesn’t just affect your identity but it can push you into isolation and helplessness. 

Our first natural reaction when experiencing shame is to try to avoid it at all costs. For some, that might mean turning to food, alcohol or other escapist tactics. These only delay the pain but they don’t solve anything in the long run. I should know, I’ve tried everything. 

Working with shame is a journey of a thousand miles but as the Chinese proverb tells us, that journey starts with one single step:

• Reframe – instead of succumbing to powerlessness when dealing with shame, we can pause and reflect on what standards and influences defined our own personal shame. By reframing our shame, perhaps we can discover new definitions. A great way to do this is to contemplate what a friend would say to you about the situation. Another way is to look at the big picture or even ponder on whether you’ll even remember the event in 20 years’ time. 

• Sit with the emotion – many neuroscientists and meditators will tell you that the worst thing you can do when dealing with shame is to fight your emotions as that gives them power. Instead, get curious. Where do you feel shame in the body? What sensations go with shame? What colour or texture can you give the sensation? With time, you’ll see that not only does shame loosen its grip but it also passes such that other emotions start coming through again. 

• Reach out to others – interestingly, most things you read imply that shame pushes us into withdrawal and yet, this paper on the social side of shame shows that for some people, shame pushes them into social interaction. Another way of thinking about it is that our instinct is to find comfort with others but perhaps only some know to listen to that instinct. Either way, if shame is a social construct, it makes sense that we look to our group for answers and reassurance. The result is that we feel supported and eventually validated as a human being who can learn from mistakes. 

What Will You Put in Place Ahead of Your Next Shame Trigger? 

Everyone feels shame at some point in their lives but if it’s becoming too much of a norm in your life, perhaps consider putting some good habits in place. You can either reflect on the beliefs about yourself that you grew up with or reach out to others in time of need. 

One of the most powerful ways of dealing with emotions is to sit with them and embrace them. It’s a bit like opening the door to the monster and offering them some tea. You’ll soon disarm them as their power dwindles away. Whatever you do, dealing with shame shouldn’t be about blocking your emotions. It should be about embracing them and letting them flow through you. As you do, you’ll start accepting them and appreciating that you are human and it’s ok to make mistakes. 

Or, as in Great Expectations; “Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before – more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.”