As psychiatrist Irvin Yalom wisely asks, “how can you go about constructing a regret-free life for yourself?” That struck me because yes, it’s always worth reflecting on past regrets in case you can fix anything but it’s the present that matters to avoid dealing with regrets.
Dealing with Regrets and Moving Forwards
All emotions are messengers that we can either suppress or listen to and grow. If we suppress emotions, they tend to boil and fester away giving us some form of breakdown or health issues. No one wants to be dealing with regret of course but sometimes you have to listen to understand the emotions and find your lessons learnt.
The level of regret we experience has been shown to depend on how much responsibility we feel we had in a decision. Assuming we had full choice and responsibility, we essentially trigger the amygdala into self-blame. Sadly, the sense of our level of responsibility isn’t always accurate.
Consider the list of distorted thinking and the number of ways we take on too much responsibility for things outside our control. I remember blaming myself for not doing enough when my dog died. It’s a great example of personalisation thinking that I can actually control death. No one can and that belief isn’t helpful in processing grief.
Similarly when you try to overcome regret, if you’re too attached to things you can’t control, you’ll never process regret. To move forwards, we need to ask ourselves what regrets we are creating now. In response, Irvin Yalom tells us to work on our purpose in this life and to find the relationships that respect us. That’s not to say that that’s an easy thing to do because it takes personal work and effort along with dealing with a whole load of negative emotions.
Action versus Inaction
Most of us know that regrets fade with time, if not by experience, by instinct. Interestingly though, as this study shows, it seems that not doing something leads to lingering and almost everlasting regret. Perhaps you regret not going to your best friend’s wedding or for never taking up that career opportunity abroad. Those types of regrets impact how we think we should be in this life.
Although, the intriguing question is what stops us from changing past choices of inaction in order to overcome regret? Clearly, you can’t go back in time to go to your friend’s wedding. Nothing stops you from taking up a course no matter how old you are though and yet people don’t tend to do so. You don’t often see 50, 60 or even 80 year olds taking courses which is a shame.
This isn’t about making career choices but about learning and living a fulfilling life. To go back to Irvin Yalom, he was still giving therapy sessions and writing in his 80s and probably even now as he enters his 90s. It’s inspiring but it also reminds us that many of us work only because we need to. Isn’t it wonderful to find something to do that you’re so passionate about that you don’t want to ever stop doing it or have to face dealing with regrets? Of course it’s hard to find that thing and often you have to work with a coach or a therapist to get that aha moment. Regardless, why give up looking for it? Aren’t you just building up more regrets if you do?
Moving Forwards to Overcome Regret
It all comes to down to our never-ending search for happiness. If we’re happy, surely we won’t be dealing with regrets. To be happy though, we need to know ourselves and what we truly want. Not what society or others tell us we want. There’s the challenge. Even today, after decades of personal work, I wonder how much of my decisions are influenced one way or another by society. It’s hard to completely break free and even Scott M. Peck talks about the risk of independence in this book The Road Less Travelled as something that most people never manage to meet. They live in their parents’ shadows, following the same lives and continuing the same cycles of regret.
Instead, why not give these steps and try and see if anything changes in how you view life?
1- Get feedback and know yourself
We often regret the way we answer back to people or get frustrated with others. Few of us set out to hurt people but we often do because of our triggers and blind spots. Feedback isn’t infallible but it can help you spot trends in how you interact with others and the impressions you leave on them. As you learn to adapt and evolve, you’ll cause less damage as you move through life.
2- Know your values and your why
It’s very hard to break away from any parental or societal cycle if you don’t know your values and what you intrinsically want. Start by daydreaming about what you used to love doing as a child. Then have a go at this values exercise and think about when you have opportunities to express those values. If you don’t get the chance to, something needs to change otherwise, you might wake up one day and realise you’ve wasted your life.
3- Balance your life
I used to work with non-executive directors and almost all of them regretted having worked too hard. Many were divorced and few had the relationships they wanted with their grown up children. If you’re too busy working, how can you connect with your family? Balance isn’t just good for the soul but it also means you spend time where it matters.
Can you Overcome Regret and Live Regret-Free?
As Scott M. Peck suggests, it’s a road that few people choose to go down but if you’re brave and willing, it’s accessible to all and you might even see the light that everyone dreams of. It’s virtually impossible to answer Dr. Peck’s question “what distinguishes the few from the many” who do decide to choose this road because we’re all different. We would all agree though that we wouldn’t have it any other way so give it a go and see what happens. You might be pleasantly surprised.
