Something clicked in me today as I woke up and I felt that wave of shame in my gut and over my shoulders and I wondered where it was coming from. And then I heard her, my mother “it could have been better”, “you’re such a fool”, “you never do anything right”. No wonder I hate mornings if those are my first thoughts. How can you even start believing in yourself with such thoughts?

Over time with mindfulness, I have learnt to hear those thoughts clearly and now I can gently wave them away. But it got me thinking about how did I even achieve anything? How did I motivate myself all those years ago? I then remembered all those coaches I’ve been lucky to have along the way. At the time, I never understood why they supported me and yet they were there, believing in me. I couldn’t have done half the things I’ve achieved without them. It’s a very powerful thing to have someone believing in you and hence, you start believing in yourself. 

When I think back to some of the people I’ve had the privilege to coach, I’m so proud to see that they are still in positions or phases of life that they never thought possible. And yet, I learnt as much from them as they did from me. Every human interaction teaches us something about ourselves, assuming we’re willing to listen of course. Those that irritate us usually mirror our bad traits that we’re desperately trying to hide … actually, I think that’s my favourite one. Once I got that into my head, the world shifted for me and I wanted to seek out those that annoyed me. I found it fascinating that they were in fact my best teachers. It also had rather paradoxical effect in that I suddenly sympathised with them more and starting appreciating these people. After all, I was meeting myself for the first time. 

So what can you do to start believing in yourself more? 

1- Finding the right coach

Everyone needs help and support at some point in their lives. Family and friends can often be biased and it can be helpful having an external person give neutral support. This isn’t easy though because there has to be rapport but most coaches will offer an initial exploratory chat. 

2- Question your self-talk

Mine was “why am I unworthy? Do I have any proof?” People often use positive affirmations and whilst these are very helpful, they can feel a little fake https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-positive-affirmations-dont-work/. 

There is a great exercise that you list your negative beliefs in the first column. The second column gives examples where the beliefs are true and the third column gives counter examples. We have to be realistic because of course we’re not perfect but with this exercise you also realise how much you forget the positives. And for the negative column, you can ponder on whether the examples are things you can fix or learn from and then turn them into positives.

3- Building Self-Esteem

This is the obvious one! Here is a previous blog with some tips but here is another useful list of different actions you can take.

4- Counter the Negative Thoughts

Let’s not forget that about 80% of our daily thoughts are negative so let’s boost our self-esteem with lists of all the good things we do. That’s therapeutic and heart warming in itself. 

5- Perspective

I know this sounds possibly a bit trite but sometimes simply remembering that we are human and doing our best can be enough. No one can ask for more than our best and if our best isn’t good enough, so to speak, then that’s how we learn. Where would we be if we had stopped learning? Would life even be interesting anymore? Why is it ok for others to fail, but it’s not ok for us? Damn it – let’s all go and make our mistakes together and support each through the learning. Wouldn’t that be beautiful?